2011

I'm doing a review of 2011 since it's going to end soon,really really soon.
2011, made me a stronger person I supposed.
I was no longer with my clique and I have to adapt to a new class,new routine,new life.
I supposed it was quite hard fitting in and I still cannot fit in up till today but that's alright,only 1 last year to go through.
2011,I tried to learn how to live with loneliness and insecurities.My diary entries revealed a complete side of me I never knew,the very fearful me.2011 tells me that I'm a very sentimental person,I keep living in the past.

Extract from diary entry 10 May 2011

'' Everything just muddles up into one big mess.You know its so tiring to feel so insecure every day?Sometimes I really worry so much about my future.What if I fail my o levels?See what I meant?Sigh,unnecessary thinking and anxiety again.I wish I could just live in the moment.I'm just watching days slip by.''

And then there was this person making me very confused.I asked myself a lot of times what I truly wanted and I am glad I didn't make any decision when he sent that sms to me because it would really be unfair to him.Although we're not speaking anymore but I am still grateful to at least have him in my life.

And unknowingly I changed a lot of Amaths tuition teachers,from ErYu to Mr Gan to Wayne and to my current one WJ. Sometimes after Amaths tuition, me and Eryu would either go for dinner near the coffee shop and we would talk about all sorts of things ranging from life to relationships.As for Mr Gan's, although he is a very patient man but my anxiety problems during june was killing me so I decided to quit. As for Wayne, he teach kinda fast and it's hard for me to catch up so yeah,I quit.But there are memories of Jiayi,HuiLing and me staying back at night near exam periods just to study Amaths at wayne's. And each time after wayne's,I will feel satisfication cause my brain is overly saturated.
And then there was SYF 2011,the rehearsals thrice every week and rehearsals at ACJC.I was part of the technical crew at first and then Mr Ang asked me to join the slaves.I initially declined due to several factors, namely my own ability to commit and I get pressurized damn easily and I was afraid I would bring the whole team down.But it was still a really great wonderful learning experience so I'm glad I didn't back out due to my own weaknesses. :)Birthday Celebration for the October babies! Note that all of us above are born in october except JianXing and PuayLin.
Birthday surprise organised by drama clique! Very touched! ps i look fugly in the photo above.
Birthday surprise organised by the girls! <3

Raj's birthday surprise with drama clique!2e3 class outing at East Coast and I had a memorable experience kenna hit by bicycle.


Pasir Ris park outing with Jianxing and PuayLin :D


Drama Camp 2011. Never knew that person meant so much to me. Vetina's birthday celebration at Univeral Studios! <3 Glad that I was brave enough to take the roller coaster!!!Christmas performance on 17 December. Christmas Dinner @ Lucinda's.
In 2012, I will be a better person,more positive and be in control of my own emotions!

Thank you for staying in my life in 2011 - JianXing,PuayLin,YunXuan,Heidi,Jiawen,Syafiqah,Vetina,Liying

Thank you for coming into my life in 2011- Farah,Quanen,Suzanne,SuanKheng

Dear you,
there's not more you in 2012 and I no longer get to see your cute face in school. I no longer get to see you when I walk past your class or in the canteen.I wish you all the best for 2012.

Yours Sincerely,
someone whom once loved you.

Hope 2012 will be a better year for myself and everyone else! Last year in Ahmad Ibrahim!
Gonna embrace next year, o levels woooooo.

<3

I hate my own stupidity.

i feel stupid at times.

Wishes

I wished for motivation and the ability to let go of sadness. Go away please. I wished for the ability to let go of the past. To embrace loneliness instead of fearing it. I wished for courage . Face 2012 bravely!

以前 差不多 两或三年前的我

觉得年轻人很无聊

动不动就难过

为爱情难过

我觉得为爱情难过很愚蠢

直到自己也掉进了同一个黑洞里

我不敢说这是‘爱’

我无法用这么强烈的字来表示我对他的喜欢

我只能说

是一种说不出的感觉

我也许只是习惯了这个感觉

自己越陷越深

两三年前的我

应该最讨厌 最看不起 现在的我

朋友A 喜欢了朋友B n 年了

大家都知道他们的故事

就是女生默默等了男生可是不管女生付出的再多努力

男生都不动心 有时候我会为朋友A感到厌倦

都想这么多年了 也该是时候放手了

我想说 自己做不到 没资格 批评他人

he sounded sad.
but then he's feigning like he's happy,maybe not to worry me.
I tried asking.
Vague answer LOL.

Person A and B , gave me a rush of emotions.
I will forget you one day.
I promise.

Hi, photo taken using webcam.


Performance was great yesterday.At first the crowd was like dead but they got damn high during our performance.I sucked at emceeing I swear.Stand there like wooden block,don't know what to say.I swear the audience was more hyper when it came to our performance.Awesome shit.

Satisfaction.<3

In bad mood recently and showed people attitude.
This is me,take it or leave it.
Don't get all smug and shitty with me.
You're older , I respect you for that.
But don't get all authority-ish with me,u ain't have rights to.

The Inside Story - My bundles of mess

I don't live in the present,I don't live in the past.I don't live in the future too.
I live in happy moments and a made-up future.An imaginary one.An unrealistic one.
Recently I felt so alone and .. lonely.
I do have my friends but I felt like no one really understood who I am now,who I really is.
No one connects with me anymore,no one tries to unravel my story.
I keep a happy face,because that's what you're supposed to be,that's how you're suppose to feel.
Sometimes I am really frustrated with my family.My mum is always scolding and nagging at little stuff and sometimes it gets on my nerves so much, i pretend i'm stabbing her with a knife to shut her up in my mind.My brother is 3 years younger than me,perhaps his mind is not yet mature and the words he speak are sometimes far too childish.

I feel very insecure sometimes,I really don't know how to cope with my emotions.I always appear I'm doing nothing at home but in fact I am taking refuge inside my own head.I remembered Mr Ang saying, '' you have to excuse her,sometimes she's not here.'' I really understood what he meant by me not being here.I pretend my head is a very safe place to be in and sometimes taking refuge there is very comforting.

This holiday I didn't really do much productive not because I don't want to.Because I'm scared.I'm too busy hiding.Whenever I tell myself I must study or do my holiday assignments,somehow I always convince myself there's tomorrow.Because doing the holiday assignments or studying makes me feel worthless sometimes,I feel stupid.I feel like i'm not as intelligent as other people.And that bothers me.It seems like my insecurities and worthlessness always seemed to kick in whenever school is mentioned.I wanted to get started on studying and doing homework but I cannot bring myself to.You know that horrible sinking feeling?Yeah.And then I'll start imagining all sorts of horrible things like failing my o levels,getting a horrible job,getting scolded by my boss etc.

I perhaps sound ridiculous but that's how I really feel.It's like you can have a dozen close friend but you just can't find someone suitable to confide everything in.Even if I can,i really don't know how to express myself or find the correct words.I don't know if the person would get me,would understand how I'm feeling or offer me some solutions which caters to my problems.So to save the hassle,i ended up keeping everything inside me,carrying those kgs of burdens.

Sometimes I replay moments or words inside my head and indirectly hurt myself.It drills and drills inside me till my head gets so heavy,my heart literally aching.When you're hurting,what makes you think I'm feeling any better than you do?I think so much that I chide myself for doing so,and you know what's the worst thing?When all the sadness and insecurities and pain sink in at night,I cannot sleep at all.I turn to social networking sites hoping it would ease some of the pain. Distract me.

I'm fucking afraid not to meet my own expectations.Dad gave so much,I don't know what kind of a person I would be letting him down.Everytime I think of the future, I always feel helpless like everything is pitch black.Everytime I think of the regrets i had 3 years ago,I feel shitty.I want others to be proud of me too but its always like i'm the one who suck at everything whether it's studies,looks or personalities.

I am crazy.I can get angry over small things. Like L's biaseness.I felt like I deserved a bigger project but who am i kidding?I get pressurized easily.When she rejected my script,not really reject,she couldn't understand,it was a big slap on my face.

When we were stalking him on his facebook in the mrt,she told me you called her baby.I was smiling and laughing on the outside but inside i was crumbling into tiny tiny tiny pieces.I know i'm supposed to let go but.... sighn.

I can't stand Low Zhi Ling sometimes.

Today I went shopping with Syafiqah. I texted her around 11:58, we're supposed to meet at 12 noon.

Me @11:58

:Ya. You reached?

S@11.59

:Nope.Going to.

S@12

:Eh meet at Harvey Norman there. I need print sth first

I thought she already reached so I texted her @12:01

:Oops.I'm still waiting for 804.Okay you go print.:)

And in the end I ended up waiting for her cause she reached around 12.25 -______-

I spent quite a lot today, $10 on contact lenses. $6 on burger king for lunch. And I dropped my last bit of burger on the floor :(( $15 on a pair of sandals which is actually identical to the one i bought in 2010. LOL. And a dress for $15.And gongcha for $2.80. And contact lens case for $4.

I'm lazy to blog but so many epic things happened. Syafiqah wore platform heels and fell many times and she was like '' nothing happened.''

While going to far east she fell and grabbed my shirt, my shirt was tucked in and first and I was so awkward. LOL.

And we asked an auntie to help us take a photo and I overheard other aunties say in chinese,'' they not singaporeans meh?'' couldn't stop laughing after tht!!

And and,someone asked for my number and Syafiqah's and asked us if we wanna be models.LOL i don't really believe in this kinda of thing but i reluctantly gave cause it would appear rude if i don't,the lady looked so sincere and everything.

Today we stalked him on the mrt train.I told her to translate.I hurt myself instead.You gave her such a nickname. Such a close nickname.

Have to smile when I'm all aching inside.Dying.

Anyway,I love the dress I bought!! It's super comfortable! Going to wear it either for the Christmas performance or Christmas dinner with Lucinda!

I'm so pumped up for December! It sounded like a busy month!
Saturdays are reserved for rehearsals for the Christmas play.
Mrs Phua comeback! HAHAA except that this time round it's the christmas version but other than that the storyline is pretty much the same.

5 Dec - Meet JiaYi to collect Polaroid camera! She's gonna lend it to me ^^
6 Dec - Outing with Syafiqah,gonna shop for new dress for the play :P
7 Dec- Meet YunXuan to accompany her to get her sec 4 stuff.
8 Dec -Outing with YunXuan but I had no idea what we're gonna do!! After that go for dinner and go tuition together.
9 Dec - Universal Studios with LiYing,Vetina and Syafiqah! It's Vetina's birthday!
17 Dec- Christmas Performance
25 Dec- Christmas Dinner @Lucinda's condominium

I can't seem to get started on my holiday homework,can't bear to even think of them.Urghhh.

Recently I've been feeling empty at night,like something is missing.When it gets really bad,it drills me till I can literally feel the pain.I want someone to talk to,but I don't exactly know who would actually understand.

I want to know what's wrong.I want to actually find out.But you know what?I had absolutely no guts to text you.For fear of your denial. For fear of my own denial when we actually talk about it.But I don't want to drag till next year.Oh gosh.

Back To December

So how have I been spending my holidays so far?

1. Eating a lot,when i say a lot,I meant it.I ate probably thrice the amount I usually do.
2. Twitter,Facebook,Tumblr,Lookbook , yes social networking sites. Because I don't have a life.
   
3. Watching television,since I really barely do that on schooldays.
4. 4 days in Malaysia shopping.
5. Tuition weekly,every thursday. 2 hours and 30 minutes and more. That's the only studying I do.
6. Watching music videos and the x factor. I really hope Drew or Melanie could win!
   

Things I hope to accomplish

• Get myself a new pair of sandals since mine is kinda spoiled T^T
• Complete the Chinese New Year plot, ( Meeting Ignatius tomorrow to do it.)
• Get myself a new backpack for school. Still thinking whether to get the $50 or the $70 one. If I'm really broke,shall get myself the $14 fred perry backpack.Since it's the last year of school and everything.
• Meet up with Liying and Vetina!! Highly doubt we can meet during June next year.Hopefully we can go USS!!
  
• Meet up with Syafiqah when she gets back from HongKong,I want to do photoshoot,yeah I'm attention seeking,since I got new clothes to show off hehehe.
• Meet up with PuayLin. Either to do some shopping or whatever. :P I need to pass her souvenir.
• Meet up with Heidi once she get back from HongKong.Why is everyone going to HongKong??? To do SHOPPING.
• Buy JinKheng's birthday gift. I hate shopping for presents when it comes to guys,you have limited choices.
  
• Complete my holidays assignments, like meh...

Sometimes I'm filled with dread as next year is just gonna be some horrible and boring year with studying and studying but no choice. O LEVELS SUCK. I just hope those negative feelings won't come and attack me like this year.It's almost as horrible as 2007.It's going to be my last year in secondary school,so might as well make the best out of it.Don't make the same mistake/regret i made 3 years ago.

Tuition again today at 7pm but I don't really dread it. LOL. I can't believe Mr Yong is going to be my emaths teacher next year,really going to miss Mr Roy Lim.He's such a meticulous teacher,you can see those efforts put in.Just that some of my freaking classmates don't appreciate it.Oh well. And the worst thing is that MY CHEMISTRY TEACHER is not going to be mr gary lee,Mdm Azlin. OMFG what is this. She relieved my class once before and I didn't pay attention to her lesson not because I don't want to,because her voice freaking turns me off and I really feel like sleeping listening to her. OH GOD.

But nevertheless, may December be a good month!