The Inside Story - My bundles of mess

I don't live in the present,I don't live in the past.I don't live in the future too.
I live in happy moments and a made-up future.An imaginary one.An unrealistic one.
Recently I felt so alone and .. lonely.
I do have my friends but I felt like no one really understood who I am now,who I really is.
No one connects with me anymore,no one tries to unravel my story.
I keep a happy face,because that's what you're supposed to be,that's how you're suppose to feel.
Sometimes I am really frustrated with my family.My mum is always scolding and nagging at little stuff and sometimes it gets on my nerves so much, i pretend i'm stabbing her with a knife to shut her up in my mind.My brother is 3 years younger than me,perhaps his mind is not yet mature and the words he speak are sometimes far too childish.

I feel very insecure sometimes,I really don't know how to cope with my emotions.I always appear I'm doing nothing at home but in fact I am taking refuge inside my own head.I remembered Mr Ang saying, '' you have to excuse her,sometimes she's not here.'' I really understood what he meant by me not being here.I pretend my head is a very safe place to be in and sometimes taking refuge there is very comforting.

This holiday I didn't really do much productive not because I don't want to.Because I'm scared.I'm too busy hiding.Whenever I tell myself I must study or do my holiday assignments,somehow I always convince myself there's tomorrow.Because doing the holiday assignments or studying makes me feel worthless sometimes,I feel stupid.I feel like i'm not as intelligent as other people.And that bothers me.It seems like my insecurities and worthlessness always seemed to kick in whenever school is mentioned.I wanted to get started on studying and doing homework but I cannot bring myself to.You know that horrible sinking feeling?Yeah.And then I'll start imagining all sorts of horrible things like failing my o levels,getting a horrible job,getting scolded by my boss etc.

I perhaps sound ridiculous but that's how I really feel.It's like you can have a dozen close friend but you just can't find someone suitable to confide everything in.Even if I can,i really don't know how to express myself or find the correct words.I don't know if the person would get me,would understand how I'm feeling or offer me some solutions which caters to my problems.So to save the hassle,i ended up keeping everything inside me,carrying those kgs of burdens.

Sometimes I replay moments or words inside my head and indirectly hurt myself.It drills and drills inside me till my head gets so heavy,my heart literally aching.When you're hurting,what makes you think I'm feeling any better than you do?I think so much that I chide myself for doing so,and you know what's the worst thing?When all the sadness and insecurities and pain sink in at night,I cannot sleep at all.I turn to social networking sites hoping it would ease some of the pain. Distract me.

I'm fucking afraid not to meet my own expectations.Dad gave so much,I don't know what kind of a person I would be letting him down.Everytime I think of the future, I always feel helpless like everything is pitch black.Everytime I think of the regrets i had 3 years ago,I feel shitty.I want others to be proud of me too but its always like i'm the one who suck at everything whether it's studies,looks or personalities.

I am crazy.I can get angry over small things. Like L's biaseness.I felt like I deserved a bigger project but who am i kidding?I get pressurized easily.When she rejected my script,not really reject,she couldn't understand,it was a big slap on my face.

When we were stalking him on his facebook in the mrt,she told me you called her baby.I was smiling and laughing on the outside but inside i was crumbling into tiny tiny tiny pieces.I know i'm supposed to let go but.... sighn.

I can't stand Low Zhi Ling sometimes.