The Inside Story - My bundles of mess

I don't live in the present,I don't live in the past.I don't live in the future too.
I live in happy moments and a made-up future.An imaginary one.An unrealistic one.
Recently I felt so alone and .. lonely.
I do have my friends but I felt like no one really understood who I am now,who I really is.
No one connects with me anymore,no one tries to unravel my story.
I keep a happy face,because that's what you're supposed to be,that's how you're suppose to feel.
Sometimes I am really frustrated with my family.My mum is always scolding and nagging at little stuff and sometimes it gets on my nerves so much, i pretend i'm stabbing her with a knife to shut her up in my mind.My brother is 3 years younger than me,perhaps his mind is not yet mature and the words he speak are sometimes far too childish.

I feel very insecure sometimes,I really don't know how to cope with my emotions.I always appear I'm doing nothing at home but in fact I am taking refuge inside my own head.I remembered Mr Ang saying, '' you have to excuse her,sometimes she's not here.'' I really understood what he meant by me not being here.I pretend my head is a very safe place to be in and sometimes taking refuge there is very comforting.

This holiday I didn't really do much productive not because I don't want to.Because I'm scared.I'm too busy hiding.Whenever I tell myself I must study or do my holiday assignments,somehow I always convince myself there's tomorrow.Because doing the holiday assignments or studying makes me feel worthless sometimes,I feel stupid.I feel like i'm not as intelligent as other people.And that bothers me.It seems like my insecurities and worthlessness always seemed to kick in whenever school is mentioned.I wanted to get started on studying and doing homework but I cannot bring myself to.You know that horrible sinking feeling?Yeah.And then I'll start imagining all sorts of horrible things like failing my o levels,getting a horrible job,getting scolded by my boss etc.

I perhaps sound ridiculous but that's how I really feel.It's like you can have a dozen close friend but you just can't find someone suitable to confide everything in.Even if I can,i really don't know how to express myself or find the correct words.I don't know if the person would get me,would understand how I'm feeling or offer me some solutions which caters to my problems.So to save the hassle,i ended up keeping everything inside me,carrying those kgs of burdens.

Sometimes I replay moments or words inside my head and indirectly hurt myself.It drills and drills inside me till my head gets so heavy,my heart literally aching.When you're hurting,what makes you think I'm feeling any better than you do?I think so much that I chide myself for doing so,and you know what's the worst thing?When all the sadness and insecurities and pain sink in at night,I cannot sleep at all.I turn to social networking sites hoping it would ease some of the pain. Distract me.

I'm fucking afraid not to meet my own expectations.Dad gave so much,I don't know what kind of a person I would be letting him down.Everytime I think of the future, I always feel helpless like everything is pitch black.Everytime I think of the regrets i had 3 years ago,I feel shitty.I want others to be proud of me too but its always like i'm the one who suck at everything whether it's studies,looks or personalities.

I am crazy.I can get angry over small things. Like L's biaseness.I felt like I deserved a bigger project but who am i kidding?I get pressurized easily.When she rejected my script,not really reject,she couldn't understand,it was a big slap on my face.

When we were stalking him on his facebook in the mrt,she told me you called her baby.I was smiling and laughing on the outside but inside i was crumbling into tiny tiny tiny pieces.I know i'm supposed to let go but.... sighn.

I can't stand Low Zhi Ling sometimes.

Today I went shopping with Syafiqah. I texted her around 11:58, we're supposed to meet at 12 noon.

Me @11:58

:Ya. You reached?

S@11.59

:Nope.Going to.

S@12

:Eh meet at Harvey Norman there. I need print sth first

I thought she already reached so I texted her @12:01

:Oops.I'm still waiting for 804.Okay you go print.:)

And in the end I ended up waiting for her cause she reached around 12.25 -______-

I spent quite a lot today, $10 on contact lenses. $6 on burger king for lunch. And I dropped my last bit of burger on the floor :(( $15 on a pair of sandals which is actually identical to the one i bought in 2010. LOL. And a dress for $15.And gongcha for $2.80. And contact lens case for $4.

I'm lazy to blog but so many epic things happened. Syafiqah wore platform heels and fell many times and she was like '' nothing happened.''

While going to far east she fell and grabbed my shirt, my shirt was tucked in and first and I was so awkward. LOL.

And we asked an auntie to help us take a photo and I overheard other aunties say in chinese,'' they not singaporeans meh?'' couldn't stop laughing after tht!!

And and,someone asked for my number and Syafiqah's and asked us if we wanna be models.LOL i don't really believe in this kinda of thing but i reluctantly gave cause it would appear rude if i don't,the lady looked so sincere and everything.

Today we stalked him on the mrt train.I told her to translate.I hurt myself instead.You gave her such a nickname. Such a close nickname.

Have to smile when I'm all aching inside.Dying.

Anyway,I love the dress I bought!! It's super comfortable! Going to wear it either for the Christmas performance or Christmas dinner with Lucinda!

I'm so pumped up for December! It sounded like a busy month!
Saturdays are reserved for rehearsals for the Christmas play.
Mrs Phua comeback! HAHAA except that this time round it's the christmas version but other than that the storyline is pretty much the same.

5 Dec - Meet JiaYi to collect Polaroid camera! She's gonna lend it to me ^^
6 Dec - Outing with Syafiqah,gonna shop for new dress for the play :P
7 Dec- Meet YunXuan to accompany her to get her sec 4 stuff.
8 Dec -Outing with YunXuan but I had no idea what we're gonna do!! After that go for dinner and go tuition together.
9 Dec - Universal Studios with LiYing,Vetina and Syafiqah! It's Vetina's birthday!
17 Dec- Christmas Performance
25 Dec- Christmas Dinner @Lucinda's condominium

I can't seem to get started on my holiday homework,can't bear to even think of them.Urghhh.

Recently I've been feeling empty at night,like something is missing.When it gets really bad,it drills me till I can literally feel the pain.I want someone to talk to,but I don't exactly know who would actually understand.

I want to know what's wrong.I want to actually find out.But you know what?I had absolutely no guts to text you.For fear of your denial. For fear of my own denial when we actually talk about it.But I don't want to drag till next year.Oh gosh.

Back To December

So how have I been spending my holidays so far?

1. Eating a lot,when i say a lot,I meant it.I ate probably thrice the amount I usually do.
2. Twitter,Facebook,Tumblr,Lookbook , yes social networking sites. Because I don't have a life.
   
3. Watching television,since I really barely do that on schooldays.
4. 4 days in Malaysia shopping.
5. Tuition weekly,every thursday. 2 hours and 30 minutes and more. That's the only studying I do.
6. Watching music videos and the x factor. I really hope Drew or Melanie could win!
   

Things I hope to accomplish

• Get myself a new pair of sandals since mine is kinda spoiled T^T
• Complete the Chinese New Year plot, ( Meeting Ignatius tomorrow to do it.)
• Get myself a new backpack for school. Still thinking whether to get the $50 or the $70 one. If I'm really broke,shall get myself the $14 fred perry backpack.Since it's the last year of school and everything.
• Meet up with Liying and Vetina!! Highly doubt we can meet during June next year.Hopefully we can go USS!!
  
• Meet up with Syafiqah when she gets back from HongKong,I want to do photoshoot,yeah I'm attention seeking,since I got new clothes to show off hehehe.
• Meet up with PuayLin. Either to do some shopping or whatever. :P I need to pass her souvenir.
• Meet up with Heidi once she get back from HongKong.Why is everyone going to HongKong??? To do SHOPPING.
• Buy JinKheng's birthday gift. I hate shopping for presents when it comes to guys,you have limited choices.
  
• Complete my holidays assignments, like meh...

Sometimes I'm filled with dread as next year is just gonna be some horrible and boring year with studying and studying but no choice. O LEVELS SUCK. I just hope those negative feelings won't come and attack me like this year.It's almost as horrible as 2007.It's going to be my last year in secondary school,so might as well make the best out of it.Don't make the same mistake/regret i made 3 years ago.

Tuition again today at 7pm but I don't really dread it. LOL. I can't believe Mr Yong is going to be my emaths teacher next year,really going to miss Mr Roy Lim.He's such a meticulous teacher,you can see those efforts put in.Just that some of my freaking classmates don't appreciate it.Oh well. And the worst thing is that MY CHEMISTRY TEACHER is not going to be mr gary lee,Mdm Azlin. OMFG what is this. She relieved my class once before and I didn't pay attention to her lesson not because I don't want to,because her voice freaking turns me off and I really feel like sleeping listening to her. OH GOD.

But nevertheless, may December be a good month!

So I went to Malaysia a few days ago. Which is on Friday.
AND I HAD FUN!! :D

We had pizza hut after arriving!~ The service sucks but it's damn cheap. I had meatball bolognaise while my mum had seafood spaghetti and my brother and cousin had baked rice.Plus we ordered pizza for my cousins and aunts and it added up to 90++ rm only. We had KFC for dinner.



Life was damn good for the past four days,we could eat whatever we like and buy whatever we want. Super shiok. No stress of Singapore at all. I think I gained 123456789 kg. Cause all I did was shopping and eating. I even went for hair treatment and it costed rm 75 which is around $30.Eat and eat and buy clothes hehe. 2 floral high-waist pants and 1 black dress. and splurged on denim jeans which cost around rm 79. ^^

Drama Camp - Ignite the light

Hi,shall now update you guys with drama camp.
Lazy to type my new post so I shall copy from my diary and censor some parts.


So much to say!And so much things happened.This year was considered so much better than last year.The first day was alright.We played the ''holy water'' and some ice-breaking games.One of it included everyone standing on a bench and we must arrange ourselves without leaving the bench.I can barely breathe and can smell other people's body odour. Training was also all games,we did the laughing training too like last year.Mr Ang asked Devi to go into the circle but I can't seem to laugh.And then he helped me by whispering into my ear,''看她的牙。'' and I burst out laughing like a mad woman.____________________censored____________________________________________
And then Toni was there to take photos. He tried to take my handphone and it dropped on the floor.Luckily,he didn't snatch it or else I am really done for.We also planned the farewell ceremony.There was a play and we mimicked the seniors and some parts of what happened during camp 2010 and Achievement Day.

Haresh Raj Me Saras Veronica

That's how we sat..John did a really hilarious imitation of KaiXiang and Redha LOLOLOLOL.

Ps.__________censored___________

Day Two.

Did some zombie walking and some training.Can't really remember.Also made poster even though I felr that my group really deserve to win but never mind uh.We did some brainstorming for Chinese New Year.Prepared the gifts and goodie bags for seniors.___________censored______________ Zaidi,Simin and Ezra arrived.Took photos with Zaidi.Then me,Jaiya and Farah was camwhoring then _____censored.________.We had dinner and _censored._. :)) JinKheng and Shahira were there too.______censored______ Yixuan CRIED . I felt bad. I think it's because she felt lonely:( Went back dance studio and we watched videos and performed.It was really,wow.Cake cutting ceremony.Then after a while,I went out.When I came back, ________.

My entire heart sank, I kept reproaching myself for being blur and stupid.They were all quite high and I couldn't take it anymore,I don't wanna be a killjoy.I went to the hall to cool down.Tweeted.John went into the hall.

J:''Saw your tweet.''
:'' What happened?

Z:''huh? Nothing lah.''

J:'' Cannot say ah?''

Cried hard. Then after a while Shahira came and she kept asking me but I refuse to say.Zaidi came and ask me why I'm sitting there,I told him not feeling well.He replied, '' go home lah! Tomorrow already last day what.'' I shook my head and replied in a weird quivering voice and say never mind before bursting into tears again.He asked Shahira what happened in malay but she didn't know too.

Regrets.I had a heavy plus super aching feeling. And also sad that seniors leaving.

But in the end everything ended up okay.I didn't expect that,it's really like some drama show but still,I'm damn relieved. But another person and I still got some misunderstandings.. :'(


Came across this song by coincidence when I was overseas. Say hello to goodbye cause it's gone forever.

PHOTO OF THE DAY!



Was so busy these two days. Shall show you guys some photos of Raj's birthday surprise and study session with JianXing and cycling outing yesterday. The rest of the photos are at facebook.Check it out yourself.I love my camera.



Chemistry study session ^_^.



Raj's new fred perry bag ^_^
LOL Puaylin's slipper got stuck in the mud and she tried to lift her feet up and her pants got splashed LOLOLOLOL,