Things had not been easy for the past 2 years and the older I grew,the harder I find it to spill out my inner thoughts through social networking sites or blogging. Words do not spill out as easily as I thought it would be,inspiration disappeared .

Life after Os,I can only say I genuinely enjoy a few days ago. The rest were spent distracting myself.

Usual question people like to ask: '' How was Os?''

My reply? Okay lah.

If you want the truth,I dare not face reality. I tell myself its over,no point thinking about it. I know its not the best I had done and neither did I put in my best effort throughout the months.

I dare not throw away uniforms.I dare not throw away books. And I'm mentally prepared to repeat O levels,thats how bad it was.

What can I do? I can't rewind time,can I?

Highlighted my hair,ditched ''Zhi Ling'' in secondary school. I like it. I hated me in secondary school,I really do. Insecure and always feeling like an outcast.

Undeniably,I hate my class. Yes,I'm using the word hate. I'm fine with people as a whole but the class in general,I hate it. I even told some of my classmates about this and I'm not even afraid of how people would judge me.

'' wah this zhi ling hate 4e2,she think she very likable meh???''
That's the truth.Like it or not,that's my perspective of my class. Unmotivated and always making excuses for their own laziness. Perhaps its wrong of me to label the class in general but thats how I felt. I couldn't wait to get out of the class. I hate how fake my class is at times. Pretending to be nice in front of each other and then backstabbing each other.

Friends,I dare not have many upon realising many things. The human mind is a complicated one and trust,its broken within moments. Even the one closest to you might be plotting against you,you never know.

Maybe an isolation policy would be good for me. Isolate myself from everyone.

I missed you so badly. That 1 minute of gesture might just turn out to be etched deep in my heart,for years and years. It's wrong of me to feel this way,but the urge to tell you,that I really missed you comes back to me. But I don't have the right to ruin your happiness. Why am I always so selfish? 

Want to know something? It's how I often feel. 
Today I went to school for History Consultation and I really learn a lot.

Life lessons.

'' You know,our brain only have the capability to remember a certain amount of information.If I carry so much baggages and grudges,how am I going to remember all these information ( about history).''

''It's human nature. We like to hide the truth from ourselves,deceiving ourselves of what seems to be the truth.We want to hear what we like.''

I didn't forget about you. I can't seem to. On days when I'm busy,you're only a past. Someone whom I used to talk to everyday. On nights when loneliness filled me,you're a ghost that haunt me and a certain part of me screams,''come back,come back.'' You're the first person I had so much intense feelings for. Guilt,it never lessens even though time passes.

I find my brain going back to those memories even though though it's a blurry mess and a vague puzzle pieces.

I sucked so much at expressing myself through words on my blog,I have no idea why.

Oh,someone totally broke my trust. Promised me something but broke the promise. What is the point of apologizing afterwards? How would it salvage the situation? TOTALLY BROKE MY TRUST. 

I'm actually quite scared that O levels will be over. I'm scared of facing the results,leaving my friends,stepping into a new place,adapting all over again.I'm scared of trusting people.Who will be worth it and who will not? 

There are times when I feel that I'm so lucky to be ZhiLing but most of the times,I just look down on myself,expand my flaws.

I am tougher to comprehend than an O level English comprehension.

16 more days to Os and I feel so unprepared.I hate this uncertainty that amasses in me as the dates draw closer and closer.I feel like I didn't really give it my all,I succumbed to my emotions and laziness a lot of times.

I used to be super confident in Humanities and doing alright in accounting but now I only feel fear as I discovered my disability to digest large chunks of information and I hadn't really been working hard in POA.

Horrible horrible results and time is running out.

And as time past,I realized I hate people in general. I lost faith in people. It's not like people are willing to sacrifice everything for you and put in effort even if you do the same. I used to give a lot of shit but now I don't. I gave up. What's most important is myself because ultimately,everyone is gonna leave and there's no point in maintaining friendships.

Friends come and go. I accept that. 2 more weeks and I'm out of the hellhole I always hated. I hate the people there,i hate everything about that place. I've been waiting for 1 year plus and.. it's coming. I can't wait.

How much longer can I run away? 有些事情迟早要面对。

And it terrifies me how not seriously I'm taking this.

I'll probably revamp my blog after Os. Anyway,study week is this week and then its prelims 2. Nearly 1 more month to Os. Hope motivation will accompany me till Os end. Need to stop thinking of depressing stuff.

I want to be able to have frequent holidays to other countries when I'm older without worrying about the costs.

Live life in luxury. What I always wanted.

I totally forgot the fact I have blogger app on my iPod. Don't even dare to count my L1R4 for Prelims as I think the number is too big. Only allows me to go ITE if it's my actual o levels results.

Been feeling so mug angst recently.I really need to buck up. The thought of Wednesday tomorrow really ruins my mood but it's the last Wednesday with double periods so just go bah. And also, study break next week then it's Prelims 2 the following week. Special timetable for the next 3 weeks then it's O levels.

I feel really unprepared. Very scared I will fuck up everything. I always have a tendency of fucking things up. I'm always underachieving in life,damn.

Everyday reach home,bathe and nap. And then wake up dinner. Then do little bit of work and somehow I drag till 12:30am plus or later then sleep. Morning very tired,come back home and the same cycle repeats. Damn.

I feel so much better letting things out here.

How many times have I tell myself to buck up? Fear is really getting to me. Always last minute. I hate you Zhi ling. Urgh.