希望是一种令人心寒的种子。希望带来了期望，而期望的越多，失望越大。最糟糕的是，我其实没资格期望。

最近这些小小的进步令我感到了欣慰，我的努力开始得到回报了。"精诚所至，金石为开" 我终于领悟到了。

One day, I'll prove it to you I have my abilities too. Maybe one day you will see me in a different light instead of seeing me as that little girl who perceived as dependent and helpless. ;)

8 more months to go.

Found myself happier recently. Maybe I learnt how to occupy myself with other thoughts and I'm too busy to be depressed or something. Maybe too tired to feel anything. Tomorrow is Monday again and uhhh.. One long week again. Wednesday cca. Thursday tuition. Friday cca. Saturday tuition. Can't really complain so much cause other people got other commitments and they aren't complaining. Beside that, I will be stepping down in April which will be here even before I know it so I better treasure the time left in cca. Yeah, it's pretty lonely and depressing this year during cca but there are still good times with certain people.

加油，芷羚！

My features actually look good at this angle.Cross-hatching is so awesome.

#model1996

I want to watch fireworks with you one day.

累和泪的汉语拼音都一样。

你的性格将决定你的命运，要永远记住这一点。

I was shocked and surprised to see you back again. No warnings, nothing for me to be mentally prepared. I'm back to the self conscious me at that moment. As much as I anticipate their visit, I don't know why I felt joy and pain at the same time. No particular word to describe the emotion. I left early to hide. There were days where I spent thinking how nice it would be if all of us could go out again, like the old times. I tried to convince myself not to go but a part of me gave in to the persuasion . And furthermore, I didn't know when will be the next time all of us could meet like this again. I left even though I wanted to stay. I feel his efforts but I really didn't know how to react. I avoided his gazes, avoid making any eye contact. I can't even look at him in the eye. Guilt filled me and I keep telling myself I was tired that's why I left early.I tried to convince myself but no matter what happens, you can't lie to yourself. I hated the awkwardness. I hated the wall between us. Things can never go back to as it was, right?

I hate it,I really hate this feeling now.
I'm over thinking and many things are running through my mind.
Why am I so paranoid at times? So insecure?
Why do I keep on picking on my own flaws?
Urgh.

And the worst thing is I'm beginning to wonder my feelings for this particular person.Would it make a difference if I didn't pushed those feelings and overlook the flaws he has? Would I actually be happier now?

I wanted to blog yesterday night but I couldn't find my USB cable.Yesterday I was freaking pissed with this teacher.So I was so pissed I started scolding vulgarities. I really hate it when someone judges you and looks at your results instead of the effort you put in. Like hello? I already tried my best,what more do you want me to do? Being in drama doesn't mean I can memorise things better.. We don't memorize scripts,we understand and improvise. It's just like Social Studies or History,you read,you memorise,you get the points correct and you get the marks.Further more,are those exact things going to be tested in o levels? No right? It's just a way to help us learn and hopefully we would implement it in our compositions. It's a fucking stupid method if you ask me,if you ask me to form sentences using the idioms,at least I can fucking understand the rationale behind it.Memorise?Are you fucking kidding me? It's not even useful if you don't understand the meaning. zzz. Oh and you tore away my corrections,you made me lose all respect for you. * More profanities inserted*

And of course,tuition was awesome again yesterday and I was silent farting throughout the lesson,I honestly do not know what is wrong with my butt. And I farted out LOUD when someone was talking to me. Embarrassed? Yes.

Oh,and my class has this thing going on since Valentine Day is coming.We are suppose to draw someone's name from a bag and we are suppose to do something nice or give little gifts. I saw this post it and I had no idea what was going on. I looked under my table and found a packet of NERDS and a blue envelope with a heart shape attached to it,it was really sweet of the person. And today i received another post it and a Ferrero rocher. Haha,but I already know who was my secret valentine haha. It's someone who sat quite close to me.

I was also relatively shocked and surprised when Mr Yong read out my name for the full marks catergory for Emaths.I honestly lost faith in tests after multiple failures,all those talk about never giving up,sometimes I got sick of listening to it.From the last 2nd to getting full marks,not only I was joyful and surprised,I was filled with a kind of emotion which I don't know what word to use to describe it. The '' I didn't know I can do it too'' feeling popped up in me. A kind of achievement even though it's just a simple test.

Mr Kumar showed us a powerpoint presentation today which explains to us that 10% of your life is made up of what happens to you,90% is made up of how you react to it. I find it really true! Heres the link if you're interested to read!

Today I finally realised how little moments in life can make you learn something. Eccentric and weird,that was my perspective of that boy.I didn't look at him from another perspective like Suzanne did.I did not give myself a chance to understand him as a person.This little conversation really touched me.I asked him," how do you feel about your stepfather?" he replied without hesitation,"as long as my mum happy, I ok one lah." And at that moment, I turned my head away and blinked real hard to stop the tears. I didn't expect him to say those words at all.
It sounded like those drama serial in channel 8 but it happened in real life.Little moments like this really made me learnt a lot.

And also today drama sharing session,lots of emotions came back,happy times with the seniors,them teasing me,us getting scolded by the teachers during SYF,good old times indeed.Maybe it's not life thats bad,its me resenting life,convincing myself life was bad.I allow myself in drown in my own self-pityness,hoping to gain sympathy indirectly,hoping someone would save me from this misery.But in reality,no one can and no one will.Because the choice lies in me,unless I myself choose to step out of this own misery,no one can save me.

<3

Hi it's now 11:53pm,7 more minutes to Friday.
It's not that I like my face so much that I must upload it,but I can't freaking find my USB cable so I can't upload photos.Ugh.
Today was a productive day even though I keep getting pissed off in school.
Tomorrow will be a better day,I hope.


Tolerating you. Tolerating myself too.
I really don't know when I will explode and end this friendship.
So I'm trying to push you away.

Amaths tuition was productive today,I managed to do a very hard question before tuition ended! Achievement unlocked! Collected my camera from Quanen at northpoint today before heading to Bugis with Heidi. During the mrt,realised a lot of weird photos which blur Quanen forgot to delete in my camera.

Had awesome Beef lasagna for lunch! Shopping was productive today,spent $22. $2 each on a pair of turquoise earrings,pretty much of a boho style and a white belt which was on clearance sale. I also got got a $8 Levi's tanktop.I don't think the brand is Levi's but it has the word Levi's on it LOL.On top of that,I also got a sheer dark pink top.The best part is it costs $10 and can be matched with my high-waist pants of different styles and my faded denim jeans! It's so worth it.

For fashion,I actually learn to get clothes which can be mixed and matched so it would not be seen as though you're wearing the same thing again and again.You can actually get plain pieces and a few interesting pieces to play around with.Either that,you can get basics or neutral pieces and buy accessories to play your outfit up!
I like her overall style and her handmade envelope clutch! It's handmade using paperbag! Cool or what huh? Her headband added detail to her hair which is actually boring except for the fact it's long and straight.The knited top gives out a feminine feel and she matched the top inside the white knited top with her shoes.Both are actually nude in colour.And yes,she toned down the entire outfit using her shoes.Her shorts has a ribbon,which made it much more fancier.Overall,the outfit is really simple yet attractive as it has the right amount of bold colours to it!

Ps. Her makeup is very natural and I love her lip colour and the way she draws her eyeliner!

You can visit her blog at http://artinourblood.blogspot.com/

Before I forget,it's Heidi's birthday tomorrow! HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY! You are now legal to drive and have sex.

Oh,in the US i mean. LOLOLOLOL.

You know,sometimes I prefer to go to a place where I know no one.
Human minds are far too complicated to understand.
We all want to be someone,a perfect someone.
But if you were to behave in an exact same way as another person,
not only the other person will feel suffocated,
you're not being you,you're not being yourself,you're acting as the other person.
Perhaps you feel that you have flaws,but maybe it's the flaws that make you who you are.
So stop living in other people's shadows,do what you want to do instead of imitating the other person all the time.Have your own mind.

We want friends,not clones.

And yeah,after that crying episode on Wednesday,I'm undergoing counseling . Let people judge all they want. As human being,it's natural to judge.Judging is purely a perception of a human.And different people have different thinkings,thus the positive and negative judgements.It's up to you how to face them,you can wallow and cry in self pity or you can wipe away your tears,and stand up straight again.Your choice,really.

Zhi Ling is on her way to becoming a stronger person.

words that triggered me
feelings that accumulated
what a brilliant way to start the month by crying