我不甘心

Even though it's been so long since I received my O level results,I still feel very 不甘心 sometimes. Why didn't I do as well as I thought I would? Drama serials gave me too much hope I think. They portrayed a version of happily ever after. My ending although not a tragedy,it wasn't what I intended. I always tried my best for English,why didn't I get my distinction? Where did I go wrong?

That day,when I had a fight with my younger brother,he rebutted ''18'' (my o level score). I seriously have that raw sinking feeling and flashbacks to those nights when I studied with my ipod,with ''when you believe'' playing,with a hope I'll do extremely well in the end.

The melodramatic ending didn't happen.

The worst part is that some primary school schoolmates did better and I really don't know how to explain this horrendous feeling.When people or colleagues ask me which poly I am in,I feel ashamed to tell them I'm in Nanyang poly. Not that it's a ''bad'' place to be in but people always expect me to be in better places..

''I'm from Tourism and Hospitality.''

''Oh,that's great.''

''Hmm,Tourism....''

Some gave me raised eyebrows while some gave an approving look,thinking that this is a wonderful career route path.

It feels like I'm always under achieving and sometimes my own looks bothers me a lot. My eccentric personality is damn annoying at times and I'm always thinking of weird stuff.

I hate myself so much at times. My intellect as a human being is simply disappointing.

Sorry I hadn't been updating regularly but my weekdays are spent working and by the time I reach home,I will just have dinner with my family and bathe and watch tv and sleep and the entire routine begins again.
Had dinner with Saras on Friday and it was great though even though we queue for quite long and the Potatoes Leeking Cheese wasn't up to my expectations. Will try the Buttered Prawns someday. It looks really yummy.

I'm seriously lazy to update so you can follow me on @xxzhilingxx on Twitter or on Instagram!

Sorry for the bad quality,it was taken using iphone 5. I can't be bothered to bring my camera out because I have work earlier on.



I would like to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it.I wished people would make more effort at times.

This sinking feeling when people are moving on in their new phase of life and you're still stuck in the old phase and your circle of friends are diminishing. This horrible unexplainable loneliness devoured you like a cruel monster and you're clueless what the future will bring you. You're afraid you'll get replaced by new people in time to come which is totally inevitable and there's nothing you can really do about it. Except maybe to whine to yourself.

I still miss him so badly. It's already 2013 but I can't help but feel that way. Do you still remember our midnight conversations and you were so tired that you kept laughing but we continued the conversation without really talking?

I doubt you do. I can't even remember what year was it. 2010 December?

I don't know what I am doing with my life anymore. I don't know who I am too.

我好辛苦。

I can't help to raise my hopes. I know I should prevent myself from doing so but I can't help it. It hurts even more when people got in through JPSAE and I got back nothing. I should be grateful I got posted to NYP where there are friends around but a part of me still wished NP did offer me the course I wanted. It feels so disappointing.Maybe I didn't answer their questions the way they wanted. Maybe I'm not good enough.

I was feeling positive,telling myself Syafiqah and Heidi are in the same polytechnic but then I realized I was just fooling myself. I ain't happy.

What if I accepted TP place? What if I studied harder? No point pondering,just move on. At least I didn't get into some shitty courses which I put at the back. And on the side note,I get to save on transport fares and time.

Goodbye January and hello February. January has been dramatic enough and February,I just want serenity and peace .

I never wanted time to pass so quickly before.It feels so fast yet so slow.Weekends are always gone in a blink of an eye and soon it's Monday again and the long dreading week! Even though this job has nice people and everything,but a job is still a job. I'm always fearing I will make mistakes and I feel relatively dumb and out of place. February that's it,I'm gonna say bye bye. I'm so tired inside out,waking up at 7am and reaching home at night.I am so so so so so tired.

When those times people are genuinely interested in you as a person,I miss that. A ridiculous level of loneliness is filling me as I enter the workforce and friends seem so distant recently.

Feel so tired inside out. I plan nice things for myself and BAM it's Monday again. This stupid iphone5, why did I even want it? Desires oh desires. Dataplan is what shit? Sigh.

I rather have those times back when I was using Nokia and prepaid cards and

Why does everything link back to you. I really miss you. Really really really do.

Who am I kidding I love myself only