Sometimes we portray a version of ourselves which we want to show to others,why?I missed times when people are authentic and aren't afraid to be silly and show the world their stupid side. I missed conversations about random things,filled with so little content yet so enjoyable.

Actually I kind of miss work. I miss interacting with different clients and delivering documents to different places,exploring different scenery of Singapore. Waking up and having my breakfast before work and then countdown to lunch time. And then taking the rebound train after delivering documents or completion on purpose and tada,its 6pm. Knock off and dinner. Watch tv and sleep. Countdown to friday and make plans for weekend to enjoy myself.

I only appreciate the ability to ''nua'' when I got work. Now I have all the time and freedom to do so,it becomes boring,empty. My life currently is boring,void of spectrum of emotions and meaning.There's nothing to do,nothing to dread,nothing to look forward to.

Lower secondary school life was like a adrenaline rush for me while upper secondary school life was filled with fears and slopes. Feeling myself slipping away yet not having enough courage to pull myself back on the track which I was suppose to.

I have no idea what this blogpost is actually about. Just typing whatever that comes to my mind. I don't know how to explain all these thoughts to my friends. Sometimes I even feel that my friends don't understand me.

Okay beside all these chim weird thoughts which always pops up in my mind,I went shopping with Heidi today and I'm damn happy I bought a plaid shirt for $5. It wasn't the kind of pattern I wanted BUT the size is just nice which makes me thankful BECAUSE ... I'm fucking petite and big plaid shirts would just look unkempt and awful on my body. Although it got studs which made it very hipster-ish and ew-ish but I think I can pull the look off lah. No one will really go look at the studs right? LOLOLOL.

Walao I don't think anyone reads my blog but it's okay I'm just typing for the sake of it and pathetic me is stuck on level 8 of candy crush. I don't even find it fun sia but I feel very pekcek I cannot level up. Okay it's 12:45am now goodnight.

WAIT IF YOU WANNA STALK ME,CAN FOLLOW ME @xxZhiLingxx on Instagram or Twitter. ;)

Why is everything catered to your needs? Am I just someone for you to use to cater to your selfish vanity so you can flaunt your so called beauty built on lies and self deception to flaunt to the world?

Dear friend,

How are you? This fragment piece of memory in the back of your mind,misses you a lot. Have you ever thought me,with nostalgic feelings arising at night? Is missing you a habit? I wondered sometimes. With new people replacing old ones in your life,have the old you died off? You know,even though the magic's long gone,bits and bits of me still go back to it sometimes. I can't help it. I know my blog posts always hadn't got much details,except for him and him and him.

My life has been stagnant for the past few days. Quit my job because being busy for the 1/2 of the day doesn't prevents me from missing you.Actually it does,more or less. Missing sounds so overrated. I would say,digging up the tainted memories,reminiscing the old times which everyone has long forgotten.

You know,sometimes I wished I could give myself a brand new identity,go to some very very place where no one knows me.I no longer feel happy when I hang out with friends.I no longer have that vooom booom kaboom feeling inside like I want to do this,I want to do that. I don't even find things funny.

When you had a routine,a goal. You got tired of it but because everyone's chasing the same ball,you chased for the sake of it without really knowing where to score.And then you tried,you persevere,but you lost. ''Nah,it's okay. There's still a next chance.'' How do you carry on,fight even harder when you lost something you supposingly put so much work into,so much mental strength?

You just feel lost and don't want to continue. You know?

Friend,I'm so tired at times. I've been tired for years. And you freaking promised to be there to listen but you didn't.I always believe you would. You didn't. You left. Why. Am I too melodramatic for you. Am I such a tragedy to behold?

Yours Sincerely,
Z

我不甘心

Even though it's been so long since I received my O level results,I still feel very 不甘心 sometimes. Why didn't I do as well as I thought I would? Drama serials gave me too much hope I think. They portrayed a version of happily ever after. My ending although not a tragedy,it wasn't what I intended. I always tried my best for English,why didn't I get my distinction? Where did I go wrong?

That day,when I had a fight with my younger brother,he rebutted ''18'' (my o level score). I seriously have that raw sinking feeling and flashbacks to those nights when I studied with my ipod,with ''when you believe'' playing,with a hope I'll do extremely well in the end.

The melodramatic ending didn't happen.

The worst part is that some primary school schoolmates did better and I really don't know how to explain this horrendous feeling.When people or colleagues ask me which poly I am in,I feel ashamed to tell them I'm in Nanyang poly. Not that it's a ''bad'' place to be in but people always expect me to be in better places..

''I'm from Tourism and Hospitality.''

''Oh,that's great.''

''Hmm,Tourism....''

Some gave me raised eyebrows while some gave an approving look,thinking that this is a wonderful career route path.

It feels like I'm always under achieving and sometimes my own looks bothers me a lot. My eccentric personality is damn annoying at times and I'm always thinking of weird stuff.

I hate myself so much at times. My intellect as a human being is simply disappointing.

Sorry I hadn't been updating regularly but my weekdays are spent working and by the time I reach home,I will just have dinner with my family and bathe and watch tv and sleep and the entire routine begins again.
Had dinner with Saras on Friday and it was great though even though we queue for quite long and the Potatoes Leeking Cheese wasn't up to my expectations. Will try the Buttered Prawns someday. It looks really yummy.

I'm seriously lazy to update so you can follow me on @xxzhilingxx on Twitter or on Instagram!

Sorry for the bad quality,it was taken using iphone 5. I can't be bothered to bring my camera out because I have work earlier on.



I would like to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it.I wished people would make more effort at times.

This sinking feeling when people are moving on in their new phase of life and you're still stuck in the old phase and your circle of friends are diminishing. This horrible unexplainable loneliness devoured you like a cruel monster and you're clueless what the future will bring you. You're afraid you'll get replaced by new people in time to come which is totally inevitable and there's nothing you can really do about it. Except maybe to whine to yourself.

I still miss him so badly. It's already 2013 but I can't help but feel that way. Do you still remember our midnight conversations and you were so tired that you kept laughing but we continued the conversation without really talking?

I doubt you do. I can't even remember what year was it. 2010 December?

I don't know what I am doing with my life anymore. I don't know who I am too.

我好辛苦。