If you believe you won't fall,you won't

All these years,when things goes awry,you're the always the very first person that comes to my mind to look for comfort. There are times I still hesitate because you moved on and so do I. But then I remember you told me you would always be there so sometimes I just put my pride down and allow myself to be vulnerable and tell you what's wrong because you always make me feel better without fail.

''Just hang on and don't be afraid. If you believe you won't fall,you won't.You are my only source of random annoyance.Keep that in mind. '' 

If only I had make a much more rationale choice that year,maybe things would have been different but then again,who knows what would happen?

''Random annoyance. That's what we are was and always been.''

Dengue Fever

As suggested by the title,the answer is YES. I got dengue fever. The area around my neighborhood is a red spot.

On Friday,I was feeling extremely uncomfortable and I couldn't wait for marketing to end because I have a horrible migraine. I thought it's pretty normal because Marketing always seems to give me a headache. However,it got worst in the late afternoon when I was drenched on my way to the MRT station.

I went out that day and had dinner with NPL as I thought it will pass.

My fever refuse to subside and I went to see my family doctor on Sunday. He told me it might be a case of dengue as I have no cough and flu. I had instructions to head to the hospital on Tuesday if it had not subside till then.

I would wake up everyday around dawn with a horrendous migraine and my fever which subsided will raise back.

On Tuesday late afternoon,I went to KTPH A and E. My fever hadn't subside and I waited for hours and hours before the proper treatment. It was air-conditioned and it was very cold for me. Kaifeng came down to keep me company and bring me food. I had blood test and the doctor put me on drip and gave me fever medicine.

I was actually suppose to meet Shahira and Zaidi for a movie but we ended up meeting in KTPH instead. Zaidi was there for his internship interview.

I was out of KTPH around 9plus. Blood palette was around 138. It dropped to 124 yesterday when I visited the doctor yesterday. Bounced back to 160 today. No more fever and discomfort yay :-)
The worst part of dengue is the itch,it can really make you go crazy! Furthermore,my skin feels super sandy and red!

BIG THANKYOU to Yunxuan for accompanying me to the polyclinic yesterday and Kaifeng for coming down on Tuesday and waking up early today just to accompany me hehe.

Thanks all for your concern and let's fight the mosquitos together! Do your part by removing all sources of stagnant water! If you notice any rashes on your body and have prolonged fever,please visit a doctor immediately!

Save me she said
But no one seems to hear her

I'm so tired of my own thoughts
I think this is the perfect time to be sick
So I don't fucking overthink and get enough rest for real.

Appreciation

We always thought our own problems are the greatest.Maybe we are too caught up with our own lives,too obsessed with ourselves sometimes to even ... care about what other problems people are facing. Because all these things didn't happen to us personally,we brushed them aside. But please bear in mind,it could be you in the future. Unfortunate things can happen to anyone,anytime.

In actual fact,a lot of things seemed like problems to me. I am a worry wart and I have very bad anxiety problems. Extremely small problems can be like a humongous bomb to me,ready to explode in my mind anytime,any moment.

I watched happy truck yesterday and I'm really in awe of those parents who didn't give up on their kids. It seemed so hard to have a normal life when your children isn't normal.You face judgement from the society,your child faces judgment from the society and maybe even despise. There's the finance part to think about and there's so much more to weigh on your mind every single day.

How do they do it?

Immense love for the child and courage I suppose. ''Sometimes it's really tiring.. It's more of the psychological part I think.'' One of the mothers choked out before bursting into tears. At that moment,I feel like crying with her but I didn't because my dad was making a joke about the celebrities pretending to cry...... But really lah,it's a little too exaggerated.

Today I was waiting for bus 812 to bring me to ChongPang and I heard this woman crying and talking loudly behind me. ''How dare you scold me? You scolded me?!I want to go home right now! I don't want to go for the operation! Do you know afraid I am? Do you know how much emotional trauma I've been through?I might just go in there and never come out!  I can't even sleep yesterday!'' she exclaimed in extreme anguish. I'm guessing that perhaps her daughter has spoken to her in a harsher tone and she wasn't too happy about it.

No adult in their right mind would cry loudly in public. There was just so much fear in her voice and it made my fear for microsoft access seems so stupid and small.

While I was waiting for a bus,she was waiting for hope. Hope to survive the operation and see her loved ones when she open her eyes again.

While I was battling with anxiety issues,she was battling with an unknown monster called death.

So therefore,I am lucky. You are lucky too.You are healthy and alive and breathing.

On a side note,I lost my ez-link card today and ... I feel so unlucky but it's probably due to my careless and blur personality. But I'm lucky,it's not my phone or IC that is missing! So thankful that BY and N accompanied me to search even though they can go home first. :D 

I know my blogposts hadn't exactly been interesting to read because it's like this naggy person who keeps preaching about life but yeah this is just a platform for me to view out things which no one really wants to listen in reality and so I just type out whatever I wanna tell someone here. It's just like talking to myself lah and I enjoy it because .... I love myself like that.

Have a good night sleep everyone! :)

You know when people gives you words of affirmation?
Sometimes they are just words with no meanings whereby people mumble or words that slipped out to make you feel better.
I remember feeling very lousy in the bus that day 3 years ago and I could still feel and see those words on my screen,''you are worth it.''
It was so real and I bet you can never believe how I felt that moment
It was like someone believed in me for real.
It was words that tumbled out with no hidden motives
           words that spiraled an emotion so intense
           words so sincere could feel it in your bones
           words that actually that lessen the burden of your

b r o k e n
s c a t t e r e d
s o u l

I wish I wasn't so lost and filled with so much self loathe,really.
No point being pretentious but sometimes I would still show my better side in hope you'll stay.
Your immaculateness scares me sometimes.
It makes me feel like dirt but I was hoping to be like you so I continued foolishly hoping dreaming. 

I don't ever think I can ever fall in love with anyone. Maybe I can but I can't be in love.There is a difference between falling in love and being in love with someone.

When you fall in love,every single thing about that particular person becomes well,just mesmerizing.And you memorize and read him like a book. His likes and dislikes,his flaws,his everything. And maybe you wished there would be an encyclopedia about him so you could know everything you possibly about him.

But being in love,you have to love yourself first. You have to fall in love with your own fucking flaws.

And actually my train of thoughts isn't very clear right now so I'm not sure what I'm trying to say.Because I am the kind of person who would try to hide my own flaws and it gets horrendously tiring sometimes. Like I'm trapped somewhere.

Maybe I hadn't get over him. The guy I was obsessed for 3/4 of my secondary school life.

And the guy who knew me better than I know myself.

I wonder how I looked like in your perspective. Am I painfully shy? We are worlds apart and now I do get the meaning of personalities>looks.