LOST

To be honest,I felt even more lost than how I did in 2011. I feel like I lost my goal,my hopes,my dreams and everything and I really don't know how to believe in myself anymore. What I'm currently doing now is just giving myself time to adjust. I really hope to find myself back. But hadn't I been feeling this way even since primary school?

I am secretly afraid that I will feel this way all my life and it really terrifies me. :(

I am so tired of me

Short update with pictures and captions basically

It rained yesterday and I had this urge to sleep at home but I went out to town with Jiawen because this girl had an urge to shop!

We had our dinner around 8pm. Was famished by then.

Tried on this piece and I really liked the simple design! Love the stripes and the material of the top! It's super comfortable! But I was too skinny and the cut outs just look plain weird and awkward on the side so I didn't get it. :(

Tried out this floral vintage top as well. I swear the material is so silk like. But I didn't get it in the end as well HAHAHAHA.

I SWEAR I LOVE THIS PIECE. The cut outs doesn't look at awkward because it's a XXS size! It's $39 at forever 21 and I didn't get it because I don't think I will have the chance to wear it often. :((( But I was really contemplating to get it..

So yayyyy,my first purchase at forever 21! A light denim top at $35! Similar pieces can be purchased at other places at a cheaper price but I shall take it that I'm paying for quality and brand. I purchased a similar top but it got lose even before I could bring in home LOL.

Skirt from Cotton On. $19.90 I think. Pretty versatile piece as its plain and you can match it with whatever tops you want.

Received several comments about how funny my face looked in the instant picture as seen above.. MY EYES CANNOT OPEN WHEN THERE'S A FLASH AND I AM TRYING NOT TO BLINK OKAY. :( 

Happy 17TH birthday to HuiXian! Quite a number of people's birthday falls on 27 July lol.

Okay bye.

He was walking up the stairs and I was walking down. There was this brief moment of eye contact but I have no courage to glance further more. It fucking hurts to see him. There was no exchanges of hi and I was pretty sure I had this poker face implanted on my face. After that quick few seconds,my eyes diverted back to my phone for reassurance and comfort while he continued to talk to his friends on his way up.

It was like we never knew each other in the first place and something which would happen in drama serials which very unfortunately happened to me.

It's not as though I hadn't have this kind of experience like last night before. I remember QE telling me about N and T.

That did hurt.

I remember finding out that W got attached and my heart literally hurts to the extent I was insomniac for 1 week,waking up with this very stab and ache every morning.

 I do not like this kind of ache. I do not like remembering or experiencing it you know.

Thank you god for all the wonderful friends I have and making me realize there are more important people in my life.

Good riddance to you.

I was up at 2.30am trying to talk sense into B*. Two pathetic souls drowning in each other miseries. Except that somehow I can see things better. We were in the same situation and somehow I know he just wants to feel loved. It is pretty upsetting that he can't see his own strengths.

Why degrade yourself because of another individual who don't even give two hoots about you? Are you gonna be depressed your whole life because of another being? What right do you have to want others to love you when you don't even love yourself? You were born into this world to achieve big things,not just to receive acceptance from people.

FRIDAY FRIDAY

Wanted to bring Eric and JiaYing to Upper Thomson to eat but I forgot how to walk from Marymount MRT D: So we ended up going back to Junction 8 for our meal! I couldn't finish my meal as per usual LOL. #WHATSNEW

First shot but my hair isn't in place..

YAY THIS IS A NICER SHOT

HAHAHA my awkward smile. Second time taking photo with Eric even though I know him for so many years! The first time was during prom. Anyway this guy went to my school today and we had lunch together too!

why am i so adorable

No idea what to call this constipated expression but i still find myself cute

WITH MONICAAAAAAA when we were revising for POA ICA.

OKAY BYE

Ps. Kittima and Huixian complimented my denim vest. Was having cognitive dissonance( like dwelling on the benefits of other products I didn't buy. Learn this term from marketing lololol) but I'm so happy it looked good hahahaha

Vulnerability,maybe not

Vulnerability,we all succumbed to it at one point of time in life,in one way or another. But when you let vulnerability absorbs and eat every part of you,it becomes an anchor in your life.

As I grow older,*coughs* poly is a new phase in my life. I no longer dare to show my anger or sadness to people. They probe why,but who actually really care? You never know. I try to be stronger inside. I try to be a happier person in school because negative people just brings everything down. In fact I hate being around negative people. If you're angry and upset all the time,you just really ruin people's mood. When people are upset,I try my best to comfort them using words and hope they feel better. But if you're always upset over tiny small things,it will really just irritate the hell out of me.

Anyway,I'm just feeling down right now because I am indignant. Indignant over the fact that how you could put in more effort in some things and get lesser back. Indignant over the fact that people can just treat you like you don't matter.

I am a dreamer I admit. I secretly wish for things that won't happen in reality to happen to me. I tell myself every single day that it doesn't matter,because right from the start,from the very first day,I knew he wasn't right for me.

It felt weird how I was actually using him from the very first start to quench my own loneliness.Sometimes when I wake up to his ''GOOD MORNING!!'',I actually felt a surge of delight because you know,it's like someone actually thought of you the moment they woke up. Imagine talking for 2/3 months and the conversations suddenly stopped. Just stopped.

The person just stopped initiating a conversation and stopped replying. It just fucking hurts somehow. Poof,the jokes you share gone. Poof,the little details you share with one another gone. Totally reminds me of 2010.. of someone. But I was a foolish teenager back then. And maybe I still am.

I told Heidi,''We give ourselves false hopes that someone like them will actually fall for people like us. Them,the popular happy ones. Us,the vulnerable depressed ones.''

Was hoping that you would be w and t mixed up into a person. But ends up you're the exact same person like J in 2010.

Trying to be a better person and doing things to make people happy instead of expecting people to make me happy and comforted all the time.  I really think I am growing stronger lol.