Vulnerability,maybe not

Vulnerability,we all succumbed to it at one point of time in life,in one way or another. But when you let vulnerability absorbs and eat every part of you,it becomes an anchor in your life.

As I grow older,*coughs* poly is a new phase in my life. I no longer dare to show my anger or sadness to people. They probe why,but who actually really care? You never know. I try to be stronger inside. I try to be a happier person in school because negative people just brings everything down. In fact I hate being around negative people. If you're angry and upset all the time,you just really ruin people's mood. When people are upset,I try my best to comfort them using words and hope they feel better. But if you're always upset over tiny small things,it will really just irritate the hell out of me.

Anyway,I'm just feeling down right now because I am indignant. Indignant over the fact that how you could put in more effort in some things and get lesser back. Indignant over the fact that people can just treat you like you don't matter.

I am a dreamer I admit. I secretly wish for things that won't happen in reality to happen to me. I tell myself every single day that it doesn't matter,because right from the start,from the very first day,I knew he wasn't right for me.

It felt weird how I was actually using him from the very first start to quench my own loneliness.Sometimes when I wake up to his ''GOOD MORNING!!'',I actually felt a surge of delight because you know,it's like someone actually thought of you the moment they woke up. Imagine talking for 2/3 months and the conversations suddenly stopped. Just stopped.

The person just stopped initiating a conversation and stopped replying. It just fucking hurts somehow. Poof,the jokes you share gone. Poof,the little details you share with one another gone. Totally reminds me of 2010.. of someone. But I was a foolish teenager back then. And maybe I still am.

I told Heidi,''We give ourselves false hopes that someone like them will actually fall for people like us. Them,the popular happy ones. Us,the vulnerable depressed ones.''

Was hoping that you would be w and t mixed up into a person. But ends up you're the exact same person like J in 2010.

Trying to be a better person and doing things to make people happy instead of expecting people to make me happy and comforted all the time.  I really think I am growing stronger lol.