Hi ''My friend'' and the ''Anoymous.''

First of all, I would like to thank you for keeping my tagbox alive.I had a hard time guessing who you are,really.

And.. Please feel honoured that I dedicated this post to you two.


It's really nice to see that you are spamming my tagobx with encouragement,I actually look forward to seeing those tags.I can't exactly promise you I'll be happy but I'll try. I don't know who you are, but.. nevertheless, thanks for making an effort to tell me those things and I'm grateful :)


Next time please tag with your real name.I'm really curious to find out who you are. :P

Drowning and no one knows. Loneliness killing as well.

Yes,it's Friday again.
Blogging day for me.
Slack day for me.
CCA day for me.

I realised there's a routine every single day of the week.
Monday - Oh gosh its Monday again.. Another tiring week
Tuesday- When will Friday ever come???
Wednesday-It's the middle of the week already.. I survived 3 days.
Thursday- I'll survive.. It's Friday tomorrow!!!
Friday- YAY IT'S FRIDAY!! Looking forward to the weekend.
Saturday- Relaxing,having fun..
Sunday-It's Monday soon again.

I don't know what I'm living for either.

I fell in love with stall 3's food. Yes,it's my third year in AISS and I only tried stall 3's food for the first time like a few days ago.It's like fucking good and the best thing is it's warm!!!!!!!!!!!!! How awesome is that?

And they are leaving next term. So i had my meal from stall 3 for the last time.. Ughhh.

CCA recently seems like a great way for me to distress.During CCA,my troubles are somehow temporary forgotten.I can be really crazy and no one cares and not get judged for it.

I'm really scared to retain.
I don't want to.

People out there don't understand,they keep telling me you won't. you won't you won't.
They don't understand.
Gary Lee's words scare me so much on Thursday that I burst into tears during recess,I'm just trying to control myself during Chemistry.

Fail three subjects and you'll retain.
I have 99.9% of failing Amaths unless a miracle happens.
I have some chance of failing Emaths.
I have 90% chance of failing combined science.

No I didn't study or revise at home.
I don't pay attention during class and I copy homework most of the time when it comes to maths and science and I don't even give a shit about Amaths cause I'm too tired and lazy to.

I don't even think I can get A1 or A2 for o level Chinese,I screwed up the oral.

And wanna know the best part?I flunked English and Chemistry and Amaths for CA2.
English!! I actually flunked English for the first time in my life,this is an absolute disgrace.

So what I got top for History? SO WHAT?

People telling me to be positive about life,I feel so tired of hearing that at times.

10 points required for Psychology.

Its seems like a dream far away and I really don't know how I'm going to take that course.I'm barely surviving,barely making it to secondary 4.

Today,my drama coach asked me: '' Are you okay?'' I can't bring myself to tell him no.I smiled instead. He asked me many times. Maybe up to three. I finally said,No,I'm not. ''

I really wished someone would save me from all these mess,tell me what to do.


My concentration level is really low.
I can't deal with my emotions anymore.
I just want to run away from life really.
I'm sick of bursting in tears in school for no apparent reasons.
I'm sick of those people.
I'm sick of being tired and sick of life.
I'm sick of wanting to be happy.
I'm sick of all this shit really.

Fighting those little monsters within me ; it's very tiring.
I'm probably the kind of girl who looks tired and feel tired all the time,I can't help it either.

I feel your concern towards me slipped,I don't know if you're suppressing those feelings but I missed the times where I could feel the warmth of your concern,even if it's just through texts.

It took me a lot of courage to do that two days ago,you had no idea how difficult it is for even just to talk to you,look at you.I feel awkward.VERY VERY . It's like I'm afraid you'll know something you shouldn't know.

Bvlyn's blog make me feel like my blog is such a failure and my English sucks.LOL.I really like the way she portray her emotions using words,I can't seem to do so.I can't express my feelings 100% in words.

When the only friend who understood you is in another class,that sucks. She has enough troubles of her own,I probably shouldn't add on to it anymore.

Drama was fun today and I'm glad,really glad that John's the president again. Was told that I'm suppose to create an accounts book for drama fund and I have to show it to Ms Dianah every month and pass her the money.A bit scared and worried that I can't do it up to her expectations and get scolded.She's a perfectionist. Going to plan camp with John,Raj and Saras. I feel stressed when I heard that.I got reminded of last year's camp and that horrible night came to my mind.How I was crying like an idiot.

Hate myself for comparing myself with her.She seems flawless,really.She has already won hands down in terms of looks.She must be really popular and have a really awesome personality judging from her facebook profile.I feel so childish and pathetic stalking her but I can't resist the urge to do so.It makes me feel all broken and full of flaws inside.And to a certain extent,I even wanted to become her for a moment.How foolish.

Trying to change yourself is a tiring thing but trying to be another person is even more tiring.
You compare yourself with another person and all of a sudden,you seemed to become the worst person you ever known.You see all your flaws so clearly,even tiny flaws no one seems to notice,appears to be so huge and irritating to you.

Blame it on the media then,they gave us a false illusion of beauty.Teenage girls definition of beauty?Know it all too well. Coloured contacts,rebonded hair,thin,eyes with tons of mascara and eyeliner.They call it beauty.

What's this?

What happened to the real beauty where natural is perceived as pretty?Oh,I didn't know that putting on tons of foundation is called beautiful.I didn't know having super super straight hair is called beautiful.Most importantly,I didn't know looking the same was called beautiful.Everywhere I go,I seemed to see people carrying the same type of school bag, the same kind of hairstyles with the same texture,the kind of shoes with brands etc.You mean being a clone is cool?Omg,so sorry didn't know that as well. You need look certain way in order to be pretty,you need to own certain things in order to be ''cool'' and so called accepted and blend into the school ''society''.

What happened to being original?What happened to accepting ourselves?There's apparently no need to act a certain way in order to feel a sense of belonging in the school.

And people complaining about the school's system,like suspension just for short skirts?Yeah,i know its damn ridiculous but you had followed the school rules in the first place,you wouldn't even need to worry about the punishment.Someone said that we go to school for education,the school should not emphasize so much on the uniform etc,have such strict punishments etc.Then since the main point is on the education,why should you bother so much about your appearance? Why don't you just accept it and follow the damn rules?

You know what? This whole society is just screwed as well.We measure intellectual quantity in terms of jobs,certificates.You're a road sweeper,oh so you're not as smart as the CEO of that big company.

STUPID PEOPLE THINK LIKE THAT.

okay I'm lazy to continue writing this post so byebye.

NDP 2011

Being a worrywart,it's natural to know that I didn't sleep well last night. NDP emceeing turns out like what I expected LOL. I'm not going to take on any emceeing jobs anymore,it's really not my thing.I'll stick to acting.

I remembered last year's NDP celebration,I really had the satisfactions after acting.But I had it tough,I was sick many times before the rehearsals,I couldn't catch up with schoolwork,I practically wanted to give up.

Well,I guess I was fearless today,remaining on the stage despite wanting to dig a hole and hide. (Y)

I'm different,I won't fit in anywhere but that's okay i guess.I've gotten used to the loneliness.I won't change myself or pretend to be who I'm not to fit in.

You know,if I could get one of these bottles at 7-11,I swear I would buy enough to last for a lifetime.

What's wrong with me recently?I seemed to be detesting myself a lot. A LOT .
I can't seem to stop comparing myself with other people.
I can't seem to stop putting myself down.
There always seems to be a voice,telling me,you can't do it.you can't do it.you can't do it.

I can't seem to change this mentality.
I'm suppressing screams in my head,I'm trapped.
I hate being myself because I'm too ashamed to be me.
I'm too used to be other people,someone other than me.

Sometimes,I do wonder who is the real me?
The hyper crazy one? The blur one? The quiet and serious one? The lazy one? The complaining forever one? The one with the super low self esteem? The one who seeks motivation from quotes? Questions,questions.

I can't stop thinking.