I spent a long time trying to find out what's my problem.
In the end,it turns out I'm just insecure.
I'm filled with fears. Many fears.
I didn't know how to deal with it.
Nor could I find someone to truly confide to.
I tried to find someone,but each time I'm faced with the same thing,I didn't dare to commit or trust.
I tried to believe in someone but I don't know,perhaps he didn't truly understand me.
Perhaps I was afraid how other people would think or look at me.
It seemed as though I had forgotten but I didn't.
I didn't.
I think of you every single day.
LOL you moved on didnt you.
You gave far too much , it made me feel even worser and even more guilty sometimes .
I felt ashamed of myself for not reciprocating .
But it would be unfair to you if I did, cause I liked him.
And he like her.
Which is normal.
She's pretty.
Really.
And probably much smarter.
Much nicer.
Much better than me.

Okay LOL .
Anyway I highly doubt we can go back to how we were before without any awkwardness and pain.But good memories though.

Thankyou for backing me on when I fell and hurt.

I need someone to hold on to too.

101th post,cousin's 21st birthday party on 29 oct. ! Sorry for the delay,this computer sucks! :)
Lazy to blog so I shall spam some photos.

Say hello to the 2 lovely people who made my life bearable this year.


Been stressing over chinese o levels and school stuff recently. No money for amaths and emaths and combined science. Must choose but then everything f9 EXCEPT for emaths which is c6 so how. :(

Tutor all 3 is more than $400 a month and for 12 months means it would be over $4000. FML.

Why do I suck in maths and science!!!!!!!!! :(

Cousin's 21st party tomorrow,bye,shall go offline to do her card.

Hi I am a normal teenage girl and thus there is a compulsion for me for me to upload my own photos. Or so called ''zilian'' photos because I'm too obsessed with my own looks and I must share it with others.

Kidding, was testing my new Olympus sz-20. Colour ain't as vivid as samsung st-45 although there were more functions.

Promise to update a decent post soon. I'm too dumb,took photos , a lot of photos and i deleted them cause i couldn't transferred it to my computer as I saved the photo in my camera instead of the sd card. #foreverdumb kthxbye.

I know I'm suppose to update about my fifteen but I think I'll do a more decent post about it next time.Update the more ''emo'' one first.


24 October was perhaps an official date to let go.A conversation which verified all my assumptions.I knew you liked her,but I didn't know she liked you back.My heart sank till it can't sank any further that day.I didn't cry,or shed a tear at all that day.I have never really shed tears for anyone in my entire life before so no surprise I guess.This is why PuayLin call me cold-blooded.

It's not pain enough to make me cry.The surprise was not hurtful enough because I already knew things were impossible and it's pointless holding on to something which you know can never be yours.

Things are finally coming to an end,they said it's time to let go too.Pack up these 2 years of feelings.Or nearly 2 years.If there's a memory chip in my brain of you,I will be damn glad to remove it.So many memories implanted. That feeling I get when I see you,I must remove it.That feeling I get when someone mentioned you,I must remove it.Removing a kind of feeling which you are used to.

Read Jiawen's blog and it made me realise I've been such a bad friend. I never truly listened to her problems.It's always her solving my problems,comforting me. All my complicated relationship problems,my anxiety problems,my depression problems,my a lotalot of problems,amaths problems LOL and so many more.I get annoyed with her very easily but then she barely gets angry.It's always me and me and me.I'm never really there for her.Oh god,felt like the most horrible friend on earth sometimes.

Anyway,it's time to say goodbye.A huge stone lifted after sticking there for a very very long time.Sure it aches,but maybe time can heal it. Maybe.

Cause I'm not as good as her.

Hi guys,
it's been ages since I updated and yes,it's finally time to update.
It's deepavali and Raj's birthday today so i shall dedicate part of this blog post to him even though he don't even read my blog.

Dear Raj,
you're my number 1 junior,besides Farah,and you really meant a lot to me.Without you,I don't think i would have continued staying in ODDS.Remembered the first time we actually worked together was in 2010,the CNY play.First impression of you was a humble,nice and nerdy junior.Like those blur blur and always study kind.Thank you for the awesome 15th birthday surprise you've given to me with other awesome people.Thank you for always encouraging me and stuff,sometimes it's like you're my senior instead.Little brother,stay happy in life and always remember this older sister will be here for you:))

Ps,I am jealous of your house!!!! :<

With love,
bimbotic bitch.

I have a very fail friend. Called QE. Who doesn't know what is noble in English and caused a very awkward moment for me. Ok can. Xiemingming is very noble.

That 1 crucial mark

So.. another round of results. Another round of fear,another round of disappointment,another round of excitement and happiness for some people.

It was a huge surprise for English, I guess I did average even though I was once again disappointed by the comprehension marks. After calculation,I got 69.333333 for English! I was really like surprised as it's really been ages since I got such awesome results for English.Usually it's a number starting with 5.1 more mark to A2 and I hope they can round it off! I had doubts about this result actually. But I think the main reason why I did fairly well was due to oral. I got 34/40 :))) Thank you so much Mrs Tay! I know you feel guilty that I got f9 for Geography in 2009 but it's alright,really,I enjoy history lessons a lot.

As for History.. I was telling Heidi, :'' Scarly suay suay 37. " I need a 38 to get A1 for combined humanities.And I was like FUCKKKKKK. when I saw my marks. It was indeed 37, I wonder if it's law of attraction. I tried asking 1 more mark from Ms Zhang but for the 'why' question,even though my format is correct but my inference is wrong.Actually I already know,i might get that question wrong cause COMMUNISTS AND NAZIS ARE ENEMIES and I wrote that the communist intention is to praise Hitler is a good leader. Smart or what?-_-

As for Chemistry,I am speechless and expecting this. I got 26/70. f9

Physics,ZhiHui was right, I passed on the dot.And then... '' Class,there's an error in the MCQ and those who put A as answer must deduct 1 mark.'' So I FAILED PHYSICS IN THE END TOO :<

Time for Emaths. Was fucking fucking fucking disappointing. Fucking disappointing. I felt a sense of satisfaction when I do finish paper 1. And in the end paper 1 was what crashes me the most. 42/80 . A big slap on my face. A heavy stone just thrown against my heart and it felt like someone was laughing. That person was me. Too complacent. Careless mistakes. 10 marks gone. I should be getting 52,not 42. What's this? Ling? What's this? Paper 2 wasn't any better. 53/100 I think.

I really don't know if I can be promoted to sec 4 even though many people are giving me assurance I can. Stop saying things like just work harder:) It's so annoying.You're not the one who got two Fs in your results. You're not the one who almost got the lowest in the level for combined science,you don't know how demoralising it feels.You don't know that cold feeling you get in your heart when you get crushed by disappointment so badly.

Even if I can be promoted,I'm not even sure I'm ready for sec 4. I'm barely scraping through.

English- B3 ( 0.7 MARK TO A2 :<)
Maths- 50.something c5
Amaths- 35 F9
Combined Science - F9
POA- C5
Higher Chinese- B3
Combined Humanites- A2 (fml, 1 more mark to A1) :<

See my L1r5 , 27 already. 23<27

Lost all faith

So.. release of results today.
Hmm.. B3 for higher Chinese,was disappointed as I wanted an A2.
I didn't meet my own expectation for paper 2.
Paper 1 was alright except that 2 marks got deducted because of “ 错别字 ”.

Then Amaths was just fucking disappointing. Paper 1 was 26/80 while paper 2 was 37/100.It was an improvement.I got 16/80 and 10/100 during Mid Year Exams.But I'm so disappointed,frustrated,angry.
3 MORE MARKS TO MY D7. But of course,I really did badly for paper 1.I don't want to drop Amaths.Those last minute tuition.. draining me out yet still this kind of results.I really don't expect much except for a D7. In the end.... :(

SS was okay but I didn't get top in class. 37/50, 1 more freaking mark to A1.22/25 for SBQ, was quite surprised as it's my first time getting such high marks for SBQ.But I screwed up the SEQ,15/25 only.The Sri-Lanka essay, I PASSED IT! 6 marks LOL. 9 marks for Northern Ireland though. Hopefully I'll get A1 for HISTORY then my combined humanities's A will be secured.

And.. POA. 45/80. I barely attempted question 4 which costs 14 marks. 3 MORE MARKS AND I'LL GET B4. FML.

ZhiHui told me I got 50.5 for Physics and I'M SO DISAPPOINTED.Studied till 3plus for it!!! :<
Mr Lim messaged Esther and told her those jokers pass and those whom he expect to pass fail . SO SCARED !!!

Hey peeps!

Here are 10 photos from today's outing with my some of my best friends!
This outing is meant to celebrate the OCTOBER BABIES birthday. Cause YunXuan and YangMing's birthdays are on the 17th and mine is on the 21st so we decided to celebrate together:)
Had an awesome time with them and we ate at Astons, I ordered....


....












......






THIS! Char-grilled chicken with pasta salad and french fries! EXACTLY WHAT I ORDERED LAST YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY AS WELL.BUT ......

I didn't order the iced-chocolate! Ordered ice lemon tea instead.
ORDERED THE EXACT SAME THING AS YANGMING!

Anyway,it was really hilarious as JianXing's order came last.He was telling us that everytime he go Astons,his order would either be forgotten or always the last. And it turns out so ACCURATE!!!

Anyway,I woke up today and bathed and straight headed to Northpoint to have Mahanttan FISH with my mum,bro,cousins and aunt cause they wanted to treat us LOL. Fried food for breakfast. -_-

1hour later ASTONS TIME. I feel like a pig.

Anyway,after the meal we went to DAISO and fooled around inside.I bought a container to store my money for the new camera.I really like the container,it's light pink and it's really feminine.:)

And then PL and JX headed home while us the OCTOBER BABIES went to Northpoint and we helped YUNXUAN choose a pencil case for her sister's birthday.Then we went to the library and I borrowed a book using YunXuan's card.

Bought polariod films for $14.90 for 10.So expensive:(
Planning to use them this friday and saturday<3
Can't wait to go out with LiYing,Vetina and Syafiqah:)))

I'M SO FUCKING AFRAID OF RESULTS.
BYE.

All this overdose sweetness is killing me,i'm not used to it.
Anyway,if you're unhappy,then go ahead and tell me straight in the face instead of scolding me online. No guts? So much for friends?And it's not like i viciously planned all this,it's just your luck,no one asked you to be busy that day.And everyone agreed,not only me can. DON'T MAKE IT SOUND LIKE I'M SO EVIL. IF I DONT FUCKING CARE I WONT EVEN MAKE YOU THAT PROMISE,UNLIKE OTHERS WHO DON'T GIVE A SHIT. NOW YOU CAN JOLLY WELL HUG YOURSELF ALONE IN BED. :<

So pissed off.

Anyway when I see your message today,my heart just stops and i squealed. i swear i did then my heart sank cause its not exactly a good thing.




goodbye:(

I'm so happy. Look at me;look at me.

What the fuck is wrong with all these people seriously?

Perspective

End of year examinations are over and it's really like a huge relief, a huge stone lifted off my heart.I can't exactly say I'll do well for all subjects but you know what?I had no regrets.

At least,not much. I studied Physics and even drank coffee at night and slept at 4am but I screwed up my POA,I underestimated it I guess.Was really happy for Physics as I guess I WON'T BE GETTING F9 !!

Today was really a great day for me despite little flaws I guess :))
I did emaths paper 1 with great satisfaction,I didn't really study a lot for it yesterday,was already holiday mood.

I went to lots of places with Heidi today. Went to SamSung Customer Service Centre and the person told me if I fix my camera,it would cost around $180-$200. Devastated,Dad doesn't allow me to fix if the price is too much,in this case which is. I bought my camera at $250.I refused to give up hope and found my way to Sunshine plaza and guess what? $110 for the replacements for parts and I don't even think it included repairing fee.Was really devastated as this camera has been with me through ups and downs and it captured so many precious moments.It's really weird not to use it anymore,like it's not part of my life.Like a part of me destroyed.Yeah;i'm sentimental. And i remembered how i scrimped and saved to buy it and used it to capture during so many special events or wonderful outings.It's like a part of me,lost.

So yeah;goodbye Samsung-st45 and I love you.

I bought YUNXUAN AND YANGMING'S BDAY GIFTS! I think they are really gonna like it!!! It's something related to KPOP :D How I wished Singapore sold idol merchandise for artists like Taylor Swift,Jessie J and those ang-mohs artists.I know nothing about kpop cause I use my ears to listen to music,not my eyes.

Had a really great time shopping with HEIDI CHAN at Bugis. Yeah Bugis again but what to do?Singapore's fun places for teenagers are so limited.It's the first time I went to Bugis but had absolutely no idea what to buy. Wanted to get satchel bags but it's like so expensive :(((

But in the end I manage to get a white chiffon top for $12.Asked the auntie for discount and she said she will only give me discount if I BUY TWO. And discount at $1 each. WTF BUT i bought it eventually but guess what? The next shop I WENT TO SOLD NEARLY THE EXACT THING AT $15 WITH PANTS. LIKE WTFOMG RIGHT.

-________-'' shouldn't have got it first but then me and HEIDI were really getting tired from all those walking here and there , it's like we walked the whole of singapore.

I like today;really had loads of fun and I can't wait for the outing this Saturday as well.Going to Syafiqah's house tomorrow ^.^


It's during the really hard period,you know who's really there for you.It's when you discover who you truly are,you learn how to deal with the tougher things and be stronger.You learn how to let go of what brings you down.It will always rain but it's how you choose to see the rain.You can choose the embrace the peaceful feeling of the rain;dance in it or hold on to the lingering sadness of the rain which brings you down.Its your choice.

I love my friends and the new ones I made during exam periods too.
The human heart at times is really a beautiful one.

For all you've given, it made me feel even more guilty.

6 more papers to go.
Flunked my Chemistry paper as expected.
Humanities papers can be so mentally draining.
Today's my only chance to rest, there's English paper 2 and Higher Chinese paper 2 tomorrow.
Tuition today at 5.30pm.
Sometimes so mentally tiring I just feel like getting out of Singapore.
Our education system just sucks,you memorise,you apply during exams,you forget.
Like whats the point?
My chance got getting a for combined humanities seemed slim. Screwed up SEQ for Sri Lanka as I thought it wouldn't come out as it already came out during MYE.
And screwed up History's SeQ, '' Was Stalin a good Soviet hero?'' , Ms Zhang gave us this essay to do before and I studied this during MYE and it didn't came out. I studied fear and propaganda and it didn't came out.Fuck lah.

Ugh,exams are not even over and my mugging mood is already over.It's like I am only willing to put in effort when things seems really urgent.I HAVE THIS ILLNESS CALL LAZINESS.

bye lazy to blog.