New Year Resolution

I typed one whole chunk on MRT and I'm gonna continue now.

Since everyone is making new year resolutions,I shall make mine too. Today is the last day of 2012.

I always make very typical new year resolutions. Very typical like study hard and stop procrastinating but I kind of failed every year.

This year,I'm gonna make 2 simple ones.

1)少计较，少比较
Bear less grudges,compare lesser

While I was in Taiwan,my tour guide asked the tour group which 宗教 (religion) we cannot believe in. There were a lot of wild guesses and speculations. In the end,when the answers revealed, it was 计较 and 比较. I know some of you might be thinking what have this got to do with religion. Now,if you're Chinese,pronounce the words. I have no idea how to explain but this has something to do with the pronunciation of the words.

I find it quite true. We are often unhappy as we like to compare ourselves with other people. Let's take a fish and a bird for example. A fish can swim but a bird can't and vice versa. Okay maybe there are exceptions but I mean the majority.I'm no good at animals. Lol. What  I am trying to say is we all have different strengths and flaws,no point comparing.What you have,the other party might not have.

Other than this,we also like to compare in terms of material. Like what we often hear in real life,'' Aiyo I'm still using this lousy Nokia phone leh ( this is just an example,i like Nokia phones :) ) ,even primary school kids have iphone'' This reminds me of a quote the Emperor said in the show Scarlet Heart,'' Forget what you have lost and appreciate what you have.'' I'm actually quite guilty of this because I always take things for granted.

Bearing grudges. Major guilty of this. I am very 小气 (petty) and I get pissed off very easily.I find it hard to forgive and forget. But bearing grudges is very unhealthy for the mind and relationships with people and destroy friendships easily. So I will try my best to bear lesser grudges with people.

2)To treat others with sincerity and kindness

I realized ... it is quite a terrible feeling when others treat you in a hostile manner. And people as they grow older,shower you with fake words. Words that you want to hear to make yourself feel good. 以真诚对人，将心比心。

That's about it! Goodbye! Gonna meet Syafiqah tonight for countdown at Vivocity. ^_^

Goodbye 2012

2012 felt so fast and secondary school life has come to an end.

 2012,is about making choices. A lot of choices.

 Like DPA. Going there even though I know I'm gonna reject the offer in the end. Sending a heart to heart message to someone you hadn't talk to in months. Forgiving a friend who hurt you badly and not exposing her because you want to salvage the friendship.

2012,is about mustering courage. The courage to accept things. The courage to accept the past is never coming back. The courage to know people has moved on with their lives and I need to do the same too.

2012,is about facing fears. O levels seemed so far away. I can't believe I am done with it.

2012,is about dealing with parts of yourself you don't really like and knowing that it is alright to break down and cry. I will never forget that awful period where i had to deal with anxiety and insomniac nights and go through counseling in school,missing parts of lessons and feeling like everyone in class is judging me.

2012 is finding out not many people have it easy but they still make it an obligation and have the will to stay strong. Huisin traveling from Malaysia to Singapore for education's sake,waking up at 4pm everyday. SuanKheng taking pride in things she do. Weijie working and juggling studies at the same time. Many unsound heros.

2012 is knowing who has been genuinely there for you all this while.

4 very important people I would like to thank.

 Yun Xuan for just being you. For being selfless when it comes to friends. For listening to whatever bullshit and drama stories I always have.For telling me I would spend my entire life tweeting and shopping in the 4th dimension at 10th and a half floor -_-  For genuinely treating people nicely with all your heart. For letting me know what truly matters in life.

Shahira for taking effort to encourage me for O levels. Listening to my rants about a very awful teacher. For addressing my insecurites and reassuring me things will turn out fine. For doting on me when you can spend the same amount of love on others as well,but you choose to spend it on me. For those phone calls at night.

Heidi for being meek and submissive. To allow me to bully you. For eating your sweets when I'm horrendously bored during lessons. For listening to all my complaints even though maybe you're very sick of it. For accepting Zhi Ling for being Zhi Ling. For understanding my pain of how it felt to be an outcast in class HAHAHAHAHAH forever alone lah both of us. For allowing me to be a very selfish person

Jiawen for being stupid and stupid and stupid. Just kidding. Jiawen for.. treating lowlow very well. For making me laugh at your idioticness which is damn frustrating yet hilarious at time. For telling me some things aren't worth it anymore. For letting me understand acceptance is the key to many things. For being so nice to me when I'm so fucking moody at times. For just being my long-faced bff,for trying to see the best in people most of the times ( maybe not......)


And 2012 is gonna teach me how to bade goodbye properly. 

2013 will be a better year,hopefully.

I wish people made an effort to know the real me.
I really do.

I really hate myself for over thinking at night.Why am I the only one trapped in the past,bundled in this mess?
Why can't I move on? I remember it all too well. The way you pat my head when you said goodbye. The reassuring words you gave through smses. The day I was in a school bus and you told me I was worth it. The letter you gave last Valentine's day. That morning we walked to school in 2010,before national day performance. The time you found me panadol to eat. Passing me your jacket when I was cold in AJC. The endless sleepless nights I had in 2011,thinking of how to handle all this. The heartbreaking nights I had when I found out you got attached,and remembering E saying '' Let's say he got attached one day.'' and me giving a nonchalent reply.

Here's a bit of honesty,because I don't know how to lie about the feelings that never left or all the nights I haven't slept.

Maybe I did after all.

Christmas 2012

Just some photographs taken using my camera today. I didn't bother editing the ones at Facebook. Pardon my laziness. And instead of celebrating my Christmas with turkey and log cake,I spent it with Neo Puay Lin and Li Jian Xing at Pasir Ris Park. It has almost become our tradition to visit that place during year end. Usually,we would just rent bicycles and take photographs but this time round,PuayLin wanted to rent skates. JianXing accompanied her. I didn't as I wanted to rent bicycles at first. But I didn't in the end because I was too busy holding PuayLin's hand hahaha.

It was really epic as strangers kept smiling at us and PuayLin kept on falling on her butt. OUCH. I do have videos but I'm kinda too lazy to upload.

This basically summarizes my Christmas. I spent Christmas last year at Lucinda's party and it was pretty good as well.

I hate myself for going to her blog.

I could have typed one long essay but sometimes are things you just feel like keeping to yourself,don't need to publicize to everyone. But yeah,since I'm already here,I shall just briefly explain.

I quit my job after 3 days.

18 hours of endurance.

I wanted to endure till January and I changed my mind,to the last day of December instead. Today was the last straw and poooof* and I quit like a boss. There's nothing to be proud of,really. Some people were really spot on.

I am required to top up stocks,arrange stocks,fill up water for rodents like guinea pigs and rabbits,clean up the shop and do bits and pieces of work. I seldom touch labor work even at home. I ADMIT I AM A PRINCESS AT HOME. My mum does all the chores and well,all I do is enjoy life at home. Like literally.

There is a big collie which I have no idea how to describe. He's 8 months old and like to bully me. For example,when I'm filling up water for the rodents,he would purposely block the door or lick my shoes,refusing to let me go out. He knows I'm scared. And I know he did it on purpose. Mean dog is mean. :(

Today I was required to fix and set up hamster cages and wrap them up. It was like a horror story,really. In sec 2,almost all the DNT work were done by my classmates. *coughs* And my DNT teacher would be like '' stupid girllllll.'' when he sees my work. I can't even drill a hole. I am serious.

I spent a long time figuring out how to fix the cages before my cheena co-worker came over and tell me to follow the picture on the box. I don't freaking own a hamster and no,I don't play with lego blocks or those fix your own toy house stuff when I was younger. IT IS A VERY HARD JOB FOR ME. Considering I really suck at these stuff.

I opened 1 box and I tried. Fix halfway. Fidget. Try try try. Pekceck. Move on to the next one and then nearly everything do halfway. It was blatantly obvious that I AM STRUGGLING.

And I was left to fend by myself.. I don't know how exactly to describe but.. 委屈 is written all over my face.

In work,there's no such thing as you can't do.
In work,there's no such thing as I don't know.
In work,there's no such thing as I help you.

Feeling all sorry for myself,I hid in the toilet and burst into tears.我很没有用的。Coming out,the very old uncle who was in charge of cleaning the cages and dogs was there playing with a very young puppy. I don't know if he saw my red eyes or knew I have been bawling inside. He was a very kind man,always smiling at me. He told me some details about the puppy and I carried the puppy. It felt good,the puppy was adorable and it can really make your heart melts. Its so tiny that you can't help but dote on it. It felt good,because I somehow feel the attempt to cheer me up,be it indirectly or with the intention to.

I hated the smell. I hated people giving me dirty looks and talking to me in that tone when I tried my best,more than whatever tests I tried in school. I hate carrying sacks of pet food up and down the staircase when someone with more strength could have easily done so. I hate being submissive to people and saying okay to every single shit.

And i quit.

I am like that. I hate being unhappy and forced to do the things I hate. 4 years ago,I quit dance ensemble because staying there didn't make me happy. Today,I did the same. It's not about determination or endurance anymore,it's about knowing your own limit.


My plan for Christmas eve? Maybe just nua at home and read my library books before it expires.

I still have the tendency of coming to you whenever I am vulnerable. Why?

Been working for 2 days and I feel like I've aged so much. Everyday feels like a drag and the only time I'm happy is when I had knock off from work. I can't wait for January to come so that I can use my O's results as an excuse to quit,saying I'm going to prepare for JC life. So I have to endure for 1 or 2 more weeks. Sigh.

At least now I know what is suitable for me and what is not. 

Another new lease of life coming. New people. New memories. Secondary school life felt so surreal,like a dream.

'' But then I realized that I was holding on to something that didn't exist anymore.That the person I missed didn't exist anymore.People change .The things we like and dislike change.And we can wish they wouldn't all day long,but that never works.''

Birthday Surprises

So we had a surprise birthday ''picnic'' for Vetina on 17th December.

It was really epic as we were not allowed to have birthday celebrations at Bottle Tree park and when Syafiqah and I finally set up the balloons,a guy cycled over and tell us '' sorry guys,you guys aren't allowed to have birthday celebrations here.''

I was like WTF because we had a really tough time setting up the balloons and we have to drag Syafiqah's tripod,the food and balloons a long way to another place and by the time we finished dragging everything,Vetina and Liying already reached.

But luckily Syafiqah was smart enough to say that it was for Saif. Saif was suppose to meet us to prepare everything but he overslept. So Vetina prepared for her own birthday surprise..

Despite us getting scolded a few times,it was really a great gathering. I'm really lazy to elaborate on the details.

Here's the drinks and snacks we had. I prepared them okay. HAHA. Sprite and green tea. Nutella bread with peanut butter contributed by LiYing. Twisties and Sour Onion potato chips! :) 

Can't wait to see these people again on Jan 4th! It's wonderful how we still keep in touch despite graduating 4 years ago!

I met up with my CCA mates yesterday for dinner as well.

I ordered Grilled Dory Lite with coke. I had such great photography skills to the extent that  the focus is on the god damn broccoli ...... I should have ordered the regular because the lite meal was so little and I had to order an extra serving of cheese fries. We had our dinner at Manhattan Fish by the way.

I had no idea why we are smiling so awkwardly HAHAHAHHA.

This was one of the photos I really like as ........ you can see my eyes under the flash. Normally I will squint,I can't help it!! :( I look so sophisticated in this photo! HHAHA I'm like so auntie in real life actually.

Check out Farah's humongous eyes. We went camwhoring near the civic centre after dinner and it was really funny as my eyes couldn't open!!!

I really have no idea why she can look so good while I look like...

 

THIS.

 

At least I tried my best, didn't I? I ought to have the good progress award or something HAHAHA.

LOL actually we had this ''operation JinKheng'' just like ''operation Vetina'' but our surprise always failed every year because we always had conflicting schedules. JinKheng is holding a candle in his hand. LOL he thought it was a cake and almost ate it. HAHAHHA he was really dumbstruck by the photo.

JinKheng imitating himself HAHAHHA it's damn funny I swear.

And this is a group shot. I'm so glad my eyes are looking good in this photo HAHA.

On the way home,I farted damn loudly in the mrt. I tried to shift seats but I accidentally farted and JinKheng and Raj heard it so I exclaimed,'' oh shit i farted.'' I was damn embarrassed so I squirmed in my seat and covered my face with my hands and laughed uncontrollably. I feel like the entire cabin is judging me or something oh god.

Tomorrow will be my first day of work and I hope I don't get lost and my supervisor and colleagues are nice people. I love my cca mates and primary school friends heheheeheh and I hope we remain in contact even when we are working adults. I shall watch my drama now. BYE.

I appreciate people who make time for me. :)

Take me back ..

Just a photograph I took in Taiwan. Hadn't really finish editing the entire set of photos so I did not upload them yet.


And as memories became fragments just like puzzle pieces,we tried to piece them together.
If you want the friendship,you would have made the fucking effort but you didn't. It's okay I lost so many friends,I'm immune to it anyway.

Life after Os

Life in a nutshell after Os

Shopping... shopping and more shopping

And I highlighted my hair on 9 nov

Left side with instagram filter so not that true to my current hair colour.
Right side is nearer to my current hair colour.

Outings with Syafiqah and Heidi and Jiawen and Saif etc etc.

What I wore when I went out with Saif and Syafiqah for prom shopping

LOL photoshoot with Syafiqah. Love the background and my long dress.

LOL I was so embarrassed when my senior JJ smsed me and he asked,'' whats with that flowers on your head?'' I told him it can grow pineapple LOL. And during drama camp,Vaithesis said she saw me with flowers in my head as well. LOL..

Someday I forgot when at Heidi's condo. Chatted in hot spa. Very shiok.

Drama camp with only 2 hours of sleep. #likeaboss

And then there's prom...

Jianxing says I look bogeh in this picture... Say so much sponser me braces lah!
Oh this is a visit to a farm and i had fun feeding goats even though its a little scary. I also fed parrots and guinea pigs!!! They are like some hungry ghosts hahaha. But very cute!

HAHAHHA RETARDISM AT ITS BEST Look at my eyes!!

 

At chalet yesterday. It was great and the girls from Anderson and YTSS are really friendly. I only reached there around 6pm as I had some job contract thing to settle and I was like a hungry ghost. Keep eating and eating like cannot stop sia.Got group photo but Mr gan haven't upload yet!

 Me working a few days ago as popcorn giver + give out flyer + pump balloons. With Adrain( the one i can talk a lot to), caroline( my supervisor, she's super nice!) and Mervyn( my first partner of the day)  .

Heading for Taiwan tomorrow,shall update when i get back.

Things had not been easy for the past 2 years and the older I grew,the harder I find it to spill out my inner thoughts through social networking sites or blogging. Words do not spill out as easily as I thought it would be,inspiration disappeared .

Life after Os,I can only say I genuinely enjoy a few days ago. The rest were spent distracting myself.

Usual question people like to ask: '' How was Os?''

My reply? Okay lah.

If you want the truth,I dare not face reality. I tell myself its over,no point thinking about it. I know its not the best I had done and neither did I put in my best effort throughout the months.

I dare not throw away uniforms.I dare not throw away books. And I'm mentally prepared to repeat O levels,thats how bad it was.

What can I do? I can't rewind time,can I?

Highlighted my hair,ditched ''Zhi Ling'' in secondary school. I like it. I hated me in secondary school,I really do. Insecure and always feeling like an outcast.

Undeniably,I hate my class. Yes,I'm using the word hate. I'm fine with people as a whole but the class in general,I hate it. I even told some of my classmates about this and I'm not even afraid of how people would judge me.

'' wah this zhi ling hate 4e2,she think she very likable meh???''
That's the truth.Like it or not,that's my perspective of my class. Unmotivated and always making excuses for their own laziness. Perhaps its wrong of me to label the class in general but thats how I felt. I couldn't wait to get out of the class. I hate how fake my class is at times. Pretending to be nice in front of each other and then backstabbing each other.

Friends,I dare not have many upon realising many things. The human mind is a complicated one and trust,its broken within moments. Even the one closest to you might be plotting against you,you never know.

Maybe an isolation policy would be good for me. Isolate myself from everyone.

I missed you so badly. That 1 minute of gesture might just turn out to be etched deep in my heart,for years and years. It's wrong of me to feel this way,but the urge to tell you,that I really missed you comes back to me. But I don't have the right to ruin your happiness. Why am I always so selfish? 

Want to know something? It's how I often feel. 
Today I went to school for History Consultation and I really learn a lot.

Life lessons.

'' You know,our brain only have the capability to remember a certain amount of information.If I carry so much baggages and grudges,how am I going to remember all these information ( about history).''

''It's human nature. We like to hide the truth from ourselves,deceiving ourselves of what seems to be the truth.We want to hear what we like.''

I didn't forget about you. I can't seem to. On days when I'm busy,you're only a past. Someone whom I used to talk to everyday. On nights when loneliness filled me,you're a ghost that haunt me and a certain part of me screams,''come back,come back.'' You're the first person I had so much intense feelings for. Guilt,it never lessens even though time passes.

I find my brain going back to those memories even though though it's a blurry mess and a vague puzzle pieces.

I sucked so much at expressing myself through words on my blog,I have no idea why.

Oh,someone totally broke my trust. Promised me something but broke the promise. What is the point of apologizing afterwards? How would it salvage the situation? TOTALLY BROKE MY TRUST. 

I'm actually quite scared that O levels will be over. I'm scared of facing the results,leaving my friends,stepping into a new place,adapting all over again.I'm scared of trusting people.Who will be worth it and who will not? 

There are times when I feel that I'm so lucky to be ZhiLing but most of the times,I just look down on myself,expand my flaws.

I am tougher to comprehend than an O level English comprehension.

16 more days to Os and I feel so unprepared.I hate this uncertainty that amasses in me as the dates draw closer and closer.I feel like I didn't really give it my all,I succumbed to my emotions and laziness a lot of times.

I used to be super confident in Humanities and doing alright in accounting but now I only feel fear as I discovered my disability to digest large chunks of information and I hadn't really been working hard in POA.

Horrible horrible results and time is running out.

And as time past,I realized I hate people in general. I lost faith in people. It's not like people are willing to sacrifice everything for you and put in effort even if you do the same. I used to give a lot of shit but now I don't. I gave up. What's most important is myself because ultimately,everyone is gonna leave and there's no point in maintaining friendships.

Friends come and go. I accept that. 2 more weeks and I'm out of the hellhole I always hated. I hate the people there,i hate everything about that place. I've been waiting for 1 year plus and.. it's coming. I can't wait.

How much longer can I run away? 有些事情迟早要面对。

And it terrifies me how not seriously I'm taking this.

I'll probably revamp my blog after Os. Anyway,study week is this week and then its prelims 2. Nearly 1 more month to Os. Hope motivation will accompany me till Os end. Need to stop thinking of depressing stuff.

I want to be able to have frequent holidays to other countries when I'm older without worrying about the costs.

Live life in luxury. What I always wanted.