Hurts like fuck.
Turns out the one who hurts me the most was my closest friend.
She really made me lost all trust in friendships.
Why do this to me?

I'm so tired mentally and physically recently.I wished I still have that inner motivation to push me on at times.I really wonder how some people do it. Maybe I'm just not strong enough.There are times when teachers could talk and I could just be sitting down there,panicking inside. I could hear words but nothing is processing internally.These 1 year plus still seems like hell to me. Loneliness overwhelm? Perhaps.
Sometimes I miss the times when I feel secure socially. When I could fit in and never feel socially awkward. Or even scared. I'm supposed to be studying now but somehow I feel like blogging. Keeping it all inside is so suffocating. I want to graduate but guess what? This process seems harder than I thought it would be. Am I not putting in enough effort? Or is it my intelligence is limited? I feel like I'm stupid and at times when I completely believe that fact, I feel like a complete loser. Really.

I feel like I'm talking to myself but that's okay.
That's what blogs are meant for.

Unless you can tell me there is someone who is willing to listen without judging,someone whom I can genuinely trust. I'm never opening up again. I would rather swallow all my bitterness and die.


Cause you broke all your promises. What's the point of putting in effort? Tell me.
All I got back was goodbye.

 I ought to be content with my life right now; I'm healthy. But I'm not. I feel very lost in my life.

I don't know who to confide in anymore. Everyone seems so busy and occupied with their lives.

Nobody really cares,huh?

Every now and then I would feel a violent stab of loneliness. The very water I drink, the very air I breathe, would feel like long, sharp needles. The pages of a book in my hands would take on the threatening metallic gleam of razor blades. I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o’clock in the morning.

Sometimes I really hate it when meaningless thoughts bombard me during this hour at night. Reflecting on my own life,I really wonder if I have live my life to the fullest so far. It scares me that the answer is actually NO. Anytime,any day, we can just leave this world. It scares me. It really does.

I hate the fact I'm not working hard enough.I simply can't find the motivation or determination to.I can't really see where I'm heading to in life. It feels like I'm running other people's race.It feels like I'm trying to survive in a society whereby money and career successes is highly emphasized and I hate that. I really do.

One of human's greatest flaws is to compare oneself with others.I too,have that flaw.It's that one deadly flaw that kills what little self-esteem we have inside.Comparing wealth,comparing looks,comparing intellect. When we grow up, we compare our other halfs. We compare the type of houses we live in,compare our salaries,compare our kid's grades.It goes on and on and on.

I wish those insecurities would go away.

Study session with Eric on Wednesday;

Dinner and shopping with my girls on Saturday's night;

Baby Lucas's first month celebration today ^^

Drew this in a rush. This is from my Facebook status : "

Inspire;create. The last time I picked up my oil pastel crayons to draw with was in primary school. Found my crayons and decided to draw something for fun. When was the last time YOU create something using your creativity? Never abandon your child like mind! :) ''

I really miss art lessons. I used to find them troublesome but most of the times I really enjoyed art.I like playing with colours and creating something uniquely mine. The only one in the world. Using my thoughts,my hands,my brains to create a masterpiece. A symbol of effort.

From one of my notebook, '' Find the greatest happiness in ordinary days.''

 

Told Looi about the connector rings from a blogshop which is at a super cheap price and helped her order for only... $4.75!!! She got for herself a peace ring as well as a moustache ring!
 

And I'm unable to resist temptation as well.. Got myself an envelope clutch for $9.50. But I have to wait for 1 month! D: But it's alright,at least I have something to look forward to in the month of July. It's like getting myself a gift in advance. Heehee. 

Today,correction,I mean yesterday cause it's already 12:25am. I met JianXing early in school to study Amaths before studying POA for hours then self study Chemistry. So proud of myself. 

Okay I'm going to try not to touch internet for 3 days and see how it goes. :) 

He kept a distance from where I was sitting.I kept my eyes on my Ipod.We were sitting together but it seems like there was an invisible wall. The ''iron curtain'', they would say in cold war for History.I took out 1 of my earpiece and asked him if he had extra lessons the next day.We small talk till his bus arrived.It's funny how things that matter to me 2 years ago seems so minor to me.It was a lesson well learnt.Despite that little episode 2 years ago,we can still be friends and not awkward.I wonder why.Is it because I can totally forgive you? But then again,the scars left behind... incurable. I locked my heart and masked it with protective covers and don't dare to let anyone ever since. I wonder if you knew. But it doesn't matter anyway,I learnt how to get over things. Things that hurt me before. Now I'm stronger, better. :) 

So tomorrow will be my last day of attending extra lessons in school. There's a study boot camp in school organized by Ms Yong but I reckon everyone will just be talking and not really be productive.I know my class too well.I'm actually procrastinating to blog cause I feel like I hadn't done a decent post in ages.

Ideally,I wanted my June Holidays to be full of mugging. Hours everyday,productivity at it's best. But frankly speaking,its the holidays and I just want to have some fun and chill out. But le sigh,O LEVELS. There's ton of homework waiting for me too. :(

But I shall have fun and work hard at the same time. Hehe, I really cannot stand being trapped at home.I will feel so miserable and like I have wasted my day away.And.. there's always the temptation to shop.

Celebrated HuiSin's 16th birthday in school 3 days ago.We gave her a surprise in school. ^_^ Here's a photo of the birthday cake. It's dark chocolate by the way.

Oh, and JiaHui lent me The Secret to read and basically it's about the law of attraction.I'm going to try and apply it in my life and hopefully it works! NOOOO IT WILL DEFINITELY WORK. Must think good thoughts so those thoughts will become reality.

There's no plans for Wednesday,Thursday and Fridays and I don't wanna waste my day away. Let's hope I will actually do something productive! Amaths tuition on Saturday again but at least I have something to look forward to! Meeting my girlfriends in the evening plus dinner! Girls'night out hahaha but this will most likely be our last outing until O levels are over. :( Going to my nephew's first month celebration on Sunday. Technically speaking,not really my nephew but my cousin's baby. So I refer to him as my nephew.

Goals for June

• Make a list of homework and actually complete the homework
• Plan REVISION and stick to it
• Be productive
• Have some fun( which I don't know since all my close friends are always busy.)
• Be positive ( actually this is my daily goal but heck.)

I still can't get over the feeling of loneliness sometimes.I can't get over the fact I can put in a lot of effort into a friendship and get back nothing.Maybe this is karma.But well,I have to accept it and move on.Treat those who treat me genuinely even better than how they treat me,love them doubly hard.Reading a lot of psychology books has indeed given me a lot of new insights about life. I want to start truly living and taste life,the bitter-sweet anguish it gives me.I want to create memories that I'll remember when I'm old.

Vulnerability shall no longer be in my dictionary.