Today was considered pretty good,I guess.Mr Matins didn't come,so no Physics lesson for the first period.Well,I'm supposed to be really elated and omg-so-happy but I'm not.As most of you know,i HATE Physics to the core,even more than I hate Amaths. But I'm a really good and obedient girl , * coughs*, I studied Physics at night till 12 last night! Okay lah,I only start from 10 plus.. LOL
Cause I only have mood to study at night.

English was a total boredom and I hate the trainee teacher's voice.It's like torturing my ears seriously.She's straining her voice so hard,I know she wants to be loud but she should learn how to project her voice.It's like her voice is coming out from her throat and she's forcing herself to be loud.PFFFFT. I keep making that '' WTF SOMEONE KILL ME PLEASE'' face when she's talking near me.

BRB shall go bathe before continue-ing to blog.

Yeah I'm back.CCA was okay,but it feels weird without the sec 4 seniors. It feels empty. It doesn't even feel like the ODDS I once know.I miss Shahira teasing me,calling me bitch.I miss JinKheng's long speeches.I miss Toni Weida Brendon George Vaithesis Manisha and everyone.I miss the dirty jokes.I miss the noisy drama.I guess what I really miss was the pampering,the attention.I miss feeling, I don't know,important.I miss us going home together.I miss those chats.

And I never thought I'll miss them so much.Especially those few. I used to hate going for CCA,mind you.I never really had any close friends there,till Shahira,Jinkheng made me feel like I'm something,like I'm important.They never made me feel like I'm an outsider.

Today seems extremely weird,going home alone.But I think i bonded well with certain sec ones:) As for them,even though I'm irritated with them sometimes but I guess I'll just accept it. I had smiles all day long but the turth is my heart is aching badly inside.I'm back to square one.

I'll be a brave girl.I'll study.I'll make sure I get good grades for o levels.I'll make sure not to let the same mistake in 2008 happen again.I'll be my own hero.I'll be my own best friend.

They say,ultimately I'll find myself back,I'll find me back. And I do hope so.

It seems like I need to wake up but I'm lost in this deep deep maze.
Sometimes it scares me,retaining.
But at times,it doesn't even scare me at all and that's what scare me,not being afraid.
Weird theory huh?
I fucking hate physics and I meant it from the bottom of my heart,I hate those stupid equations,I hate how other people can understand it but I can't.I hate how boring it is,I hate how senseless it is.I hate the fact I picked physics over biology.Whats wrong with me?Picking something I'm completely not interested in to get better grades? F9 LOL?

I honestly don't know how I'm going to scrape through this year,I'm a lazy ass I swear.
I would rather do Amaths than Physics. Plus my Chemistry sucks too. I hate science.Why must they make us study Science? It's not like I'm going to be a doctor or a scientist or an engineer in the future. Work done = force X distance and velocity and acceleration and whatever shit. Plus carbon monoxide and covalent bonding and whatever. I'm going to forget all this crap once I graduate from AISS so what's the point?What's the point of studying all this?

No one knows how scared I am. I don't know to to tell my insecurities to anymore.I don't know if they are secretly judging me inside.The thought of them judging me is simply too much to bear and I'll rather keep those thoughts to myself,kill myself with it.You want the truth? Truth is I'm already dead.

I'm no longer laughing like how I did in sec one and two.My mind is always filled with worries and schoolwork and the future.The pit-black future.When I confide in people,I used to feel better.Cause I told them 100% what's upsetting me.But now,I don't. Maybe just a teeny weeny bit.I don't like perceiving myself as a weak person. I'm weak. I know it myself. I have so many flaws,I get tired easily,I'm not as hardworking or as determined as others,I'm lazy,I'm not pretty,I'm not confident enough.

Sometimes I wish I had someone to tell everything to. Sometimes,friends tell you,''I'll be there to listen.'' But are they really listening? Can you listen to me talk for hours without getting tired?Can you don't judge me?

Sometimes I just got sick of life,I just go school,do whatever that's required of me and wait for school to end.I'm there physically but I'm somewhere inside my head,lost.I try to concentrate on what's the teacher is talking about and I end up,in my own thoughts again.

Sometimes I feel so useless and stupid,really.
#Lowselfesteem

I really can't wait to get out of secondary school sometimes.I have not completed my homework,forget it,I'm not in the mood.I'm always not in the mood to study.What to do for o levels? Sigh.

See?I'm such a procrastinator,such a lazy pig. Amaths seem slightly better,Mr Aw is starting to talk and ''explain'' more.Even though his English still sucks.I took YunXuan and PuayLin's advice,I copied his examples and actually attempt his homework. *A round of applause please* I can actually understand! Heehee.

But I didn't do his homework today,lazy.Shall do it tomorrow instead.It feels so good to be blogging.I have words inside me,it feels so good. It feels so much bertter than emptiness.

I always believed things will get better. I really hope so. They said when you have faith,anything is possible.I hope it's possible to get B for Amaths this year,if it's c5 also can.It beats seeing an F right? I hope I can actually like physics and chemistry,and get B for them.I hope I'll be happier in life instead of a miserable wilted flower who's constantly scared of this and that,complaining about this and that.

Last of all,I hope I will always have courage within me.

I guess I have to accept changes.When Ms Ong asked 3e2 during SS lesson today,who's very scared of changes? I desperately want to scream yes. I had always been afraid of changes.I'm a person who dislike changes a lot.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves. I finally know what it means today.

Things change,people leave. You adapt. And the cycle repeats itself all over again.You guys will always have a certain place in my heart.

Brace myself for the goodbye.

It's really hard to say goodbye to holidays.. 1 month of vacation simply passed just like that. So yeah,how did I spent my holidays?I spend my holidays going out with my beloved friends,a part of it going for Amaths tuition,watching Youtube videos,reading blogs etc.1 month to think over what went wrong this 6 months. 1 month of finding myself,1 month of discovering a new me.1 month of learning what is happiness.One of the outings with Syafiqah at Scape.The background is really awesome(:Radio interview for 105.5fm.Botanic garden and shopping at ION with Vetina and Liying.Me acting like a professional photographer.

Yeah,little sniplets of my holidays.I went to SuanKheng's house yesterday and we completed our parts for the Maths and English project within a few hours.So proud of us! I have this sense of achievement and satisfaction bubbling inside me when we completed copying all the questions and answers for our maths project.
Guess what?I have not completed my holidays assignments as usual! I only completed my higher chinese and a little English homework.There's still Chemistry and Amaths and English.
I highly doubt I can complete Amaths,there's like 10 topics or so and I have forgotten nearly everything about Amaths.Fuck Amaths.Why must the stupid school make it a compulsory subject?Anyway,I'm supposed to be doing my homework but instead I'm here happily blogging.HAHAHHAHAHA!! I don't have any sense of urgency.
This is a really long post,hope you guys don't mind.In term 3 and 4,I shall set the following goals for myself.

1)To be a more positive person,which means less complaining and embracing happiness more.

2)To focus more on school work and reduce the frequency of going online.Which means cutting down on Facebook,Tumblr T-T,Twitter. I seldom blog so yeah.. Don't need to cut down.Plus I feel that blogging can help to improve my language and the way I express myself,so why should I cut down on something which will benefit me?LOL.

3)To accept 3E2 ,maybe the reason why I feel so unhappy in class is because I feel lonely,refuse to accept the fact I'm in 3E2.I see more of 3e2's flaws than it's good points.

4)Stop fearing and worrying about little things.This is really hard for me as I'm an over-thinker..BUTTTTT I'm going to try.

5)To be a more confident person.

6)To be more grateful and thankful for the people around me.

7)To sleep early.Every night I stay up late,not because I'm not tired.Not because I want to tweak on social networking sites.Because I'm tired,I want to sleep.But I can't because my mind runs like crazy.It over thinks,over analyzes things that I don't want to think about.The more I think,the more scared I get.I'm so scared and insecure sometimes my heart beats so fast.. It's like I have some anxiety problems.So I keep myself awake and tire myself out so that when I lie in my bed,I fall into a deep sleep and my thoughts don't keep me awake. Another reason is I'm afraid of facing another day,facing another tomorrow.Staying up late is a like lying to myself,I'm still in today and tomorrow won't be coming so quickly.

So yeah,it's 12 noon and I have not bathe yet.Goooodbye and I hope you enjoyed this post! :)

I am going to make myself a more positive person.
I am going to be happy.
I am going to make my life awesome.
I am going to stop worrying.
I am going to try.

ZZZZ.

Some many people from school follows me on Tumblr/Twitter.
Really hate it,all my privacy ALL GONE.
Cause they are places where I reveal my inner feelings.
One new follower?
Yay!
Then.. *wait it's someone you know from school?*


*stabs hearts with a million knifes*

Performing

This is a photo taken in 2002.
9 years ago.
This photo indeed brought back fond memories.
It was my first stage performance.
I remembered we had to pay $60 for the costume and shoes.We had to dance together with students from the other class too.
HAHAHAHAA.
I was really excited to perform on stage and I remember myself enjoying each rehearsal.
We performed at Yishun Community Centre..
I was the first one to reach the kindergarden to put on my makeup.I felt so grownup at that point of time HAHAH.
As you can see from the photo above,my lipstick is really red.
I felt so happy after performing,I loved every minute on the stage.
I remember telling my mum,I'm so happy today,I'm going to remember this day for the rest of my life.LOL.

So yeah,that was my first time on stage.

I also had several experiences on stage in primary school..
This is a trophy I won when I was in primary 3. My teacher asked me to join a story telling competition and I did.I remembered memorizing the story everyday,I even ask my mum to buy a mini-storybook.It's a story about a crocodile LOL and I have to tell it in chinese.

In primary 5,we have to do a music project.. I was in a group with LiYing,Vetina,Fouzy,Nazirul I think.We had fun choreographing the moves.. Practising at the void deck in my primary school. The song we did was ''Toxic'' by Britney Spears.There's this day where John's group came to use the voiddeck and we were not happy about it cause we felt that they took our terrority. LOL

And my last time performing on stage in primary school was in primary 6.Every class had to do a dance.. before we graduate.There's a video on Youtube.
LOL Everyone wooooooo when we came out,the chinese dance part.Cause we wore sleeveless top,kinda sexyyy :P

And yeah,my first performance in AISS did have a huge impact on me.


And then...
Acheivement day 2010

There's the national day play too..

And there's the CNY play this year.. There's SYF...
Bye. I'm lazy to post anymore.