I still have that tiny strength within me,I still have that bit of faith left.
I dwell but I don't do anything about it,how remarkable huh?

I think you all read my blog posts can fall asleep already.
My current life status -> BORING,BORING AND BORING!

Don't know what to blog about so I shall share with you guys ---------- A VIDEO!

Price TAG!

Who are you?

It's a difficult question to answer.Because it has far too many answers because you play too many roles in life.

I ask myself this question.

My answer is I still don't know who I am in life.

I'm a sister to my younger brother,a friend to my friends,a daughter to my parents,a senior to my juniors,a student to the society,a secretary to my drama club.

Who am I currently?

I'm an insecure girl,who gets upset and angry easily.I like complaining about life and I'm pretty pessimistic.I'm sensitive and I get bored easily.I worry too much and I have this tendency to fear whatever I do.I pick on my own flaws too easily.

But I'm also the same girl who'll be there for her friends no matter what,the same girl who thinks encouragement and friendship is a beautiful thing,the same girl who thinks that this world is still beautiful despite the darkness,the struggles we face in our daily lives.

I'm trying to be a better person,I'm trying to be a better friend.I'm trying to be a better senior.I'm trying to be a better me.

“Nobody knows the feeling unless you actually have it. The fight with yourself every morning to get out of bed. The mental breakdowns you randomly have. The dark thoughts. The absolutely no motivation to do anything. The laying in bed all day. The anxiety and panic attacks. The no focus. The silent screams and hot tears. The anger. The feeling of helplessness. The feeling of depression.”

I can't really say I had attained happiness,but I'm trying.
Sometimes I feel like hypnotist, hypnotising myself to be happy and hyper.
Perhaps I do seem hyper on the surface,it's actually a way to make myself happy.

I think I know why I broke down on Monday,crying and laughing.I was hyper-ing,trying to make myself laugh.I laughed.. before realising how pathetic I was.And then I felt even more pathetic for drowning in my self-pityness.So I cried even harder.

Proud of myself for surviving this week.
Leo club I and I skit tomorrow.
I hope we will do well.

Nostalgia overwhelmation

It's Friday again. I usually like Fridays because it's the weekend next.

Today i seemed so hyper and happy and crazy.Talked loads of crap.Sometimes I really don't know,that's the real me or not.Was it a mask,a false pretend or was it way to distract myself,a way to keep myself from feeling moody and emotional?

I actually listened and understood Physics today,so proud of myself but I think I kinda screw up Emaths test.Must start to buck up for studies,I cannot afford to retain. Retaining,it makes me very scared.I meant it.Imagine being in the same class with classmates younger than you and not knowing anybody..

Anyway,I screwed up my O level mother tongue oral.. I was like fucking nervous at the seat,practising for the passage,I can't even concentrate properly.And guess what,my old problem was back and I teared. I have damn sensitive eyes -.- Then I asked the teacher for tissue and she thought I too nervous and cry.LOL. She's super friendly and her smile very nice. It feels so genuine HAHA.Topic was densely populated situation in Singapore,I totally screw it up. I think I did okay for the passage but the conversation seriously cannot make it. My sentence structure was fucking weird and my language not expressive enough! Worst thing is,one of the examiners is from China I think,he's quite friendly and got smile.

Him:What are some methods to prevent this from happening?(Refering to overcrowding.)
Me: Employ more teachers and bus drivers...
Him:Anything to add on?
Me:Government not permitting so much foreigners into Singapore.

-.- Fuck. That guy from China I like that say,I wonder if I will offend him.And the other examiner damn stuck-up and arrogant lor,he looks fierce and don't even smile.. :(

There's fuck loads of homework to be done and tests for practically every single subject except for English and Combined Humanities. There's LEO CLUB I & I skit on 23 July, O level listening comprehension this Tuesday and I'm going to be the helper for some Maths and Science fair.LOL.

And I wonder if I should join back tuition seriously.If because of laziness,I fail emaths and amaths,i think i can go kill myself already.

Tomorrow need to meet up with Mr Ang also and I don't know what I would be doing,but I would be meeting up with JinKheng first.Have lunch with him first or something.

Every Friday,on the way walking to the bustop near AISS's back gate,I always get reminded of them.We would walk home in one big group,laughing and talking.I miss that.I walk alone now with my ear piece in my ear.

Zhi Ling is a brave and determined girl. LULZ.Bye,I shall go watch ah di now. :D

I had the worst stomach cramp in history today.It hurts so much to the extent I actually cried.Crying feels good but the cramp don't.It sucks to the core.My mum rubbed my tummy with oil and it only helped like 10%.I whined and screamed and moaned in the bedroom like a little kid and I don't even care.I went to the toilet bowl and hopefully shit would come out of my anus but unfortunately no.So in the end I lie on my bed,texting people and telling them about it and feeling sorry for myself.In the end,I fell asleep LOL.

Please don't let me have stomach cramps tomorrow! It's a MONDAY. Mondays are already sucky enough,I don't need the stomach cramp to make it better. Yes,sarcasm much.

Drama is starting to be more busy again.. With talentime and racial harmony and leo club skit going on.. And HAHA,I love bonding with juniors. That two Farahs are interesting. I'm starting to like Farah number 2,she's damn sweet okay.She helped me put on plaster cause I scraped my knee.. Aw... I intially didn't like her cause I thought she was cold and unfriendly and arrogant.LOL.

Bye,it's Monday tomorrow,I can survive!

Subway,eat fresh!

Haha! Shall start today's post with this :0 expression on my face! So.. today I went for lunch with SuanKheng at Subway! It's my first time to Subway. Yes,noob I know. On the way to Northpoint,in bus 800,I saw YangMing and she was on the way to meet YunXuan and Suzanne.
I ordered Ham. So this is the inside.. I embarrassed myself a little.I went huh when the person at the counter ask me what I want.. I went like ''huh?'' But it's pretty cool,you get to choose the bread.There's a whole range of bread.. such as italian and honey oatmeal,oatmeal etc. I choosed Italin I think. Plus you can choose to have it toasted or not. You can get to choose the sauce,or combined sauce.. For example,if you like barbequed sauce and mayonaise you can choose to have them both in your sandwich.I choosed sweet onion and obviously it was a wrong choice cause I didn't like the taste of it! :x
How it looked on the outside.
Before I opened it.
The tissue.What an artistic shot.. LOL AIN'T THE TOMATO FAT AND JUICY?
You can upgrade to a full meal by paying $2.70,you'll get 2 cookies and a drink.But I only get the sandwich cause I'm broke.It cost $ 4.90. Cookie given to me by SuanKheng! WOOOHOOO.

Bye,I shall go watch Meilejiayou now!

Today was considered pretty good,I guess.Mr Matins didn't come,so no Physics lesson for the first period.Well,I'm supposed to be really elated and omg-so-happy but I'm not.As most of you know,i HATE Physics to the core,even more than I hate Amaths. But I'm a really good and obedient girl , * coughs*, I studied Physics at night till 12 last night! Okay lah,I only start from 10 plus.. LOL
Cause I only have mood to study at night.

English was a total boredom and I hate the trainee teacher's voice.It's like torturing my ears seriously.She's straining her voice so hard,I know she wants to be loud but she should learn how to project her voice.It's like her voice is coming out from her throat and she's forcing herself to be loud.PFFFFT. I keep making that '' WTF SOMEONE KILL ME PLEASE'' face when she's talking near me.

BRB shall go bathe before continue-ing to blog.

Yeah I'm back.CCA was okay,but it feels weird without the sec 4 seniors. It feels empty. It doesn't even feel like the ODDS I once know.I miss Shahira teasing me,calling me bitch.I miss JinKheng's long speeches.I miss Toni Weida Brendon George Vaithesis Manisha and everyone.I miss the dirty jokes.I miss the noisy drama.I guess what I really miss was the pampering,the attention.I miss feeling, I don't know,important.I miss us going home together.I miss those chats.

And I never thought I'll miss them so much.Especially those few. I used to hate going for CCA,mind you.I never really had any close friends there,till Shahira,Jinkheng made me feel like I'm something,like I'm important.They never made me feel like I'm an outsider.

Today seems extremely weird,going home alone.But I think i bonded well with certain sec ones:) As for them,even though I'm irritated with them sometimes but I guess I'll just accept it. I had smiles all day long but the turth is my heart is aching badly inside.I'm back to square one.

I'll be a brave girl.I'll study.I'll make sure I get good grades for o levels.I'll make sure not to let the same mistake in 2008 happen again.I'll be my own hero.I'll be my own best friend.

They say,ultimately I'll find myself back,I'll find me back. And I do hope so.

It seems like I need to wake up but I'm lost in this deep deep maze.
Sometimes it scares me,retaining.
But at times,it doesn't even scare me at all and that's what scare me,not being afraid.
Weird theory huh?
I fucking hate physics and I meant it from the bottom of my heart,I hate those stupid equations,I hate how other people can understand it but I can't.I hate how boring it is,I hate how senseless it is.I hate the fact I picked physics over biology.Whats wrong with me?Picking something I'm completely not interested in to get better grades? F9 LOL?

I honestly don't know how I'm going to scrape through this year,I'm a lazy ass I swear.
I would rather do Amaths than Physics. Plus my Chemistry sucks too. I hate science.Why must they make us study Science? It's not like I'm going to be a doctor or a scientist or an engineer in the future. Work done = force X distance and velocity and acceleration and whatever shit. Plus carbon monoxide and covalent bonding and whatever. I'm going to forget all this crap once I graduate from AISS so what's the point?What's the point of studying all this?

No one knows how scared I am. I don't know to to tell my insecurities to anymore.I don't know if they are secretly judging me inside.The thought of them judging me is simply too much to bear and I'll rather keep those thoughts to myself,kill myself with it.You want the truth? Truth is I'm already dead.

I'm no longer laughing like how I did in sec one and two.My mind is always filled with worries and schoolwork and the future.The pit-black future.When I confide in people,I used to feel better.Cause I told them 100% what's upsetting me.But now,I don't. Maybe just a teeny weeny bit.I don't like perceiving myself as a weak person. I'm weak. I know it myself. I have so many flaws,I get tired easily,I'm not as hardworking or as determined as others,I'm lazy,I'm not pretty,I'm not confident enough.

Sometimes I wish I had someone to tell everything to. Sometimes,friends tell you,''I'll be there to listen.'' But are they really listening? Can you listen to me talk for hours without getting tired?Can you don't judge me?

Sometimes I just got sick of life,I just go school,do whatever that's required of me and wait for school to end.I'm there physically but I'm somewhere inside my head,lost.I try to concentrate on what's the teacher is talking about and I end up,in my own thoughts again.

Sometimes I feel so useless and stupid,really.
#Lowselfesteem

I really can't wait to get out of secondary school sometimes.I have not completed my homework,forget it,I'm not in the mood.I'm always not in the mood to study.What to do for o levels? Sigh.

See?I'm such a procrastinator,such a lazy pig. Amaths seem slightly better,Mr Aw is starting to talk and ''explain'' more.Even though his English still sucks.I took YunXuan and PuayLin's advice,I copied his examples and actually attempt his homework. *A round of applause please* I can actually understand! Heehee.

But I didn't do his homework today,lazy.Shall do it tomorrow instead.It feels so good to be blogging.I have words inside me,it feels so good. It feels so much bertter than emptiness.

I always believed things will get better. I really hope so. They said when you have faith,anything is possible.I hope it's possible to get B for Amaths this year,if it's c5 also can.It beats seeing an F right? I hope I can actually like physics and chemistry,and get B for them.I hope I'll be happier in life instead of a miserable wilted flower who's constantly scared of this and that,complaining about this and that.

Last of all,I hope I will always have courage within me.

I guess I have to accept changes.When Ms Ong asked 3e2 during SS lesson today,who's very scared of changes? I desperately want to scream yes. I had always been afraid of changes.I'm a person who dislike changes a lot.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves. I finally know what it means today.

Things change,people leave. You adapt. And the cycle repeats itself all over again.You guys will always have a certain place in my heart.