LOST

To be honest,I felt even more lost than how I did in 2011. I feel like I lost my goal,my hopes,my dreams and everything and I really don't know how to believe in myself anymore. What I'm currently doing now is just giving myself time to adjust. I really hope to find myself back. But hadn't I been feeling this way even since primary school?

I am secretly afraid that I will feel this way all my life and it really terrifies me. :(

I am so tired of me

Short update with pictures and captions basically

It rained yesterday and I had this urge to sleep at home but I went out to town with Jiawen because this girl had an urge to shop!

We had our dinner around 8pm. Was famished by then.

Tried on this piece and I really liked the simple design! Love the stripes and the material of the top! It's super comfortable! But I was too skinny and the cut outs just look plain weird and awkward on the side so I didn't get it. :(

Tried out this floral vintage top as well. I swear the material is so silk like. But I didn't get it in the end as well HAHAHAHA.

I SWEAR I LOVE THIS PIECE. The cut outs doesn't look at awkward because it's a XXS size! It's $39 at forever 21 and I didn't get it because I don't think I will have the chance to wear it often. :((( But I was really contemplating to get it..

So yayyyy,my first purchase at forever 21! A light denim top at $35! Similar pieces can be purchased at other places at a cheaper price but I shall take it that I'm paying for quality and brand. I purchased a similar top but it got lose even before I could bring in home LOL.

Skirt from Cotton On. $19.90 I think. Pretty versatile piece as its plain and you can match it with whatever tops you want.

Received several comments about how funny my face looked in the instant picture as seen above.. MY EYES CANNOT OPEN WHEN THERE'S A FLASH AND I AM TRYING NOT TO BLINK OKAY. :( 

Happy 17TH birthday to HuiXian! Quite a number of people's birthday falls on 27 July lol.

Okay bye.

He was walking up the stairs and I was walking down. There was this brief moment of eye contact but I have no courage to glance further more. It fucking hurts to see him. There was no exchanges of hi and I was pretty sure I had this poker face implanted on my face. After that quick few seconds,my eyes diverted back to my phone for reassurance and comfort while he continued to talk to his friends on his way up.

It was like we never knew each other in the first place and something which would happen in drama serials which very unfortunately happened to me.

It's not as though I hadn't have this kind of experience like last night before. I remember QE telling me about N and T.

That did hurt.

I remember finding out that W got attached and my heart literally hurts to the extent I was insomniac for 1 week,waking up with this very stab and ache every morning.

 I do not like this kind of ache. I do not like remembering or experiencing it you know.

Thank you god for all the wonderful friends I have and making me realize there are more important people in my life.

Good riddance to you.

I was up at 2.30am trying to talk sense into B*. Two pathetic souls drowning in each other miseries. Except that somehow I can see things better. We were in the same situation and somehow I know he just wants to feel loved. It is pretty upsetting that he can't see his own strengths.

Why degrade yourself because of another individual who don't even give two hoots about you? Are you gonna be depressed your whole life because of another being? What right do you have to want others to love you when you don't even love yourself? You were born into this world to achieve big things,not just to receive acceptance from people.

FRIDAY FRIDAY

Wanted to bring Eric and JiaYing to Upper Thomson to eat but I forgot how to walk from Marymount MRT D: So we ended up going back to Junction 8 for our meal! I couldn't finish my meal as per usual LOL. #WHATSNEW

First shot but my hair isn't in place..

YAY THIS IS A NICER SHOT

HAHAHA my awkward smile. Second time taking photo with Eric even though I know him for so many years! The first time was during prom. Anyway this guy went to my school today and we had lunch together too!

why am i so adorable

No idea what to call this constipated expression but i still find myself cute

WITH MONICAAAAAAA when we were revising for POA ICA.

OKAY BYE

Ps. Kittima and Huixian complimented my denim vest. Was having cognitive dissonance( like dwelling on the benefits of other products I didn't buy. Learn this term from marketing lololol) but I'm so happy it looked good hahahaha

Vulnerability,maybe not

Vulnerability,we all succumbed to it at one point of time in life,in one way or another. But when you let vulnerability absorbs and eat every part of you,it becomes an anchor in your life.

As I grow older,*coughs* poly is a new phase in my life. I no longer dare to show my anger or sadness to people. They probe why,but who actually really care? You never know. I try to be stronger inside. I try to be a happier person in school because negative people just brings everything down. In fact I hate being around negative people. If you're angry and upset all the time,you just really ruin people's mood. When people are upset,I try my best to comfort them using words and hope they feel better. But if you're always upset over tiny small things,it will really just irritate the hell out of me.

Anyway,I'm just feeling down right now because I am indignant. Indignant over the fact that how you could put in more effort in some things and get lesser back. Indignant over the fact that people can just treat you like you don't matter.

I am a dreamer I admit. I secretly wish for things that won't happen in reality to happen to me. I tell myself every single day that it doesn't matter,because right from the start,from the very first day,I knew he wasn't right for me.

It felt weird how I was actually using him from the very first start to quench my own loneliness.Sometimes when I wake up to his ''GOOD MORNING!!'',I actually felt a surge of delight because you know,it's like someone actually thought of you the moment they woke up. Imagine talking for 2/3 months and the conversations suddenly stopped. Just stopped.

The person just stopped initiating a conversation and stopped replying. It just fucking hurts somehow. Poof,the jokes you share gone. Poof,the little details you share with one another gone. Totally reminds me of 2010.. of someone. But I was a foolish teenager back then. And maybe I still am.

I told Heidi,''We give ourselves false hopes that someone like them will actually fall for people like us. Them,the popular happy ones. Us,the vulnerable depressed ones.''

Was hoping that you would be w and t mixed up into a person. But ends up you're the exact same person like J in 2010.

Trying to be a better person and doing things to make people happy instead of expecting people to make me happy and comforted all the time.  I really think I am growing stronger lol.

Plots in drama serials doesn't happen in reality. That's the saddest part. Probably shouldn't be sad over someone like you but still I can't help it because I had this teensy whimsy bit of hope in me at first.

:)

Nothing much really happened for me. Watched Despicable me 2 with Shahira on Saturday but we missed the first 10 minutes of the show. It's quite a happy movie and the minions are really adorable hahaha. But I don't think spending $12 for a cartoon movie is worth it. -_- But okay lah LOL it's not often a cartoon movie comes out.

Turns out Jiawen was at Northpoint too because she went to Wayne's for tuition and we shopped a little and went home.

Went jogging with her this evening and actually nothing much is happening. Depressing Monday,here we go again.

I think I did a lot of self reflections recently but I'm still very confused about certain things.I think my personality has really changed a lot and toned down pretty much. Feeling moody in school like all the time because I think I have trouble communicating with people. It's as though we aren't on the same channel,same wavelength ya know?

Attended the last lesson of pillars of life(basically it's this module which has no relationship to the diploma we are doing,something like life lessons lol) and we were asked to write eulogy letter about ourselves. It's like a letter that is to be read out by your loved one when you passed away. Usually it's written by a sibling or spouse but this time round,we were asked to write in a 3rd person perspective.How do we as an individual wish people to remember as?

I struggled for a long time. I can't think of any strengths I have.. What went through my mind was,' Zhi Ling you're this blur person who always get angsty and angry and upset all the time and half the time you don't even know what you're doing.' But of course,this wasn't what i wrote in the end.

''She is the type who will go all out for her friends.She is candidly epic and hilarious because she is super blur.''

......... I know right. So so so much thoughts went through my mind. It just BUZZED and BUZZED. I wasn't living my life to the fullest,sometimes just going through the motions. Not adventurous to do things which I WANT to as a child. I live my life prim and proper,not daring to break any rules because I have led my entire life believing following rules will lead to me to success. 

No ZhiLing. Not #YOLO enough.

 Totally going try and change because I don't want people to remember me as this super angry and emo person when I pass away. ;)

BYE

PuayLin's 17th Birthday

We( YunXuan,JianXing and me) celebrated it one day later for her because both JianXing and her had tuition on Sundays at Yunxuan's house so it would be more convenient on Sunday.

Met up with YunXuan at northpoint and bought a cake before heading to her house. Realized we forgot about lighter but in the end we had a change of plans. JianXing brought PuayLin to a photocopy shop so me and YunXuan went in to have lunch and stuff first.

LOL in the end they came up but the lighter wasn't working so Yinghui stood there awkwardly not letting them go in the house.. #failed but the birthday girl didn't suspect anything so we succeeded actually.

 Look at those juicy mango!

No time to take a picture of the cake with lighted candles so .. here's a picture of the cake with blown out candles.

Here's a picture of the birthday girl ready to cut the cake!

Cutting in progress.. with a delighted smile HAHAHA

Actually we just sat down at the ''sofa'' and chatted for hours about gay celebrities and discussing about how our future spouses should be like.You all just see photos lah okay.

Reached home for around 15 minutes before I realized I left my phone charger at Yunxuan's house. Went back to collect it and she received a phone call and turns out PuayLin left her lecture notes at her house too. It's kind of epic because YunXuan reminded us to check and no one bothered to listen to her HAHAHAHA.

Okay I shall head to bed now. Youth day tomorrow so it's a holiday for secondary school kids and JC kids but no holiday for poly kids. Why?! Aren't we youths too? :((

Goodnight!

Friday - my favorite day( after 4pm)

Hi guys,not sure if anyone even read this blog but I'm just gonna update my Fridays to you guys! I woke up late yesterday and was nearly late for school! I set my alarm to wake me up at 6.15am but I ... woke up at 7.06am instead! Usually I will nua in my bed for 15 minutes and drag myself to the toilet to brush my teeth and stuff..

My first reaction was,''oh,7.06am still early.'' And then it occurred to me I have a god damn tutorial at 8am!! Meaning that I am suppose to get out of my house by 7.15am!! Usually it takes me 45mins- 1 hour to get myself ready but I only took 10-15mins yesterday and I ate my breakfast while walking. Kind of suckish.

Took this after marketing tutorial since I brought my instant camera to school cause I'm meeting Jiawen after school.From left to right,(HuiXian,BaoYi,Monica,me,Nabilah and Fatin). LOL guess I was too excited and I forgot to pose and put my arms around Monica and Nabilah. Shoulders look so broad here. :<

Met JiaWen at Yio Chu Kang MRT and we headed off to somerset. There's teenagers with folders asking for donations but before they even speak,I waved my hands and said sorry we're busy. HAHAHAH damn rude of me but why bother when you know their intention already?

Shopped at H&M and Cineleisure. HAHAHA anyway this stupid girl woke up around 1plus and didn't had her lunch and any food and was feeling super hungry so we had our early dinner around 5 plus. Waited around 15 minutes for my meal so I listened to her talk and took some photos of her eating HAHAHAH.

Keep telling JiaWen we should head somewhere nicer for dinner but she kept insisting she's broke so we both tried this! The chicken was really nice but the rice was too little. The peanut sauce also not bad but I don't think this is worth my money. I rather pay a little more and head somewhere where my meal is more satisfying! Ps. (She's not broke,she spent a lot at Bugis!!)

Nothing really caught my eye. Wasn't much of a productive trip for me but I got myself a new bag at Cine and a denim vest.Can't believe I only got 1 item at Bugis and it was for the sake of not leaving Bugis empty-handed.

It's like a tote bag hahaha. Fell in love with the design and material! There's even black and white available!

Hmm ugly background but whatever hahaha. Was supposed to be $18 but I think it's only worth $15 and in the end Jiawen helped me bargain till $16. Anyway,I was contemplating between this and another one but this woman also wanted this piece so I faster claimed it LOLOL. This is such a good investment because...

You can literally match it with anything! You can spice up an old dress or just wear a plain shirtdress! You can also match it with jeans/leggings/maxiskirts,anything you want! 

Look at what Jiawen bought! Actually not a lot but .. it's way more than me! So disappointed I couldn't find the shop I wanted.

We bought LaoBan tauhuey and went home and this kinds of sums up my friday. Sorry for the lousy photo quality and I can't be bothered to really edit anything.

OHHH and I received my new drama shirt today and it's so comfortable like my previous one! :))

Do leave me comments or questions at ask fm!

Shall go for a nap now hehehe. 

Floral Wednesday

Worn my floral leggings to school today. 

Sometimes I feel such a strong sense of dislike for people. I can't stand overly noisy people,I can't stand overly-sensitive people. I can't stand project mates who complete the bloody project by themselves. I can't stand many types of people. 

We can't always please others and expect people to like us. Not everyone will embrace our flaws. Guess I must accept that and try to be more understanding towards people. 

I'm glad I met my group of friends in poly but there is this very steep of loneliness that stabs through me everyday and I have no idea why. Maybe the depth of closeness can't ever be duplicated. 

I miss Heidi and YunXuan the most actually. They understand me so well and they know the correct words to make me feel better when things go wrong. I can tell them whatever shit that's on my mind so naturally. I miss that. Sigh.

Just a toy for you to play with when you're bored and need entertainment huh? Screw you.

Ps. I have officially found out the lookalike's twitter and instagram and he has a nickname call Chicken Little due to his hair. HAHAHAHAHA so cute. I see him in school everyday damn happy HAHHAHAHA 


Here's a meaningful story for you guys. Copied it from Facebook! 

A man with four wives, died giving Logic of Life..

He loved his fourth wife the most and took a great care of her and gave her the best.
He also loved his third wife and always wanted to show her off to his friends. However, he was always had a fear that she might runaway with some other man.

He loved his second wife too. Whenever he faced some problems, he always turned to his second wife and she would always help him out.

He did not love his first wife though she loved him deeply, was very loyal to him and took great care of him. One day the man fell very ill and knew that he is going to die soon.
He told himself, "I have four wives with me. I will take one of them along
with me when I die to keep company in my death."

Thus, he asked the fourth wife to die along with him and keep company. "No
way!" she replied and walked away without another word.
He asked his third wife.She said "Life is so good over here. I'm going to
remarry when you die". He then asked his second wife. She said "I'm Sorry. I can't help you this time around. At the most I can only accompany you til your grave."
By now his heart sank and turned cold.

Then a voice called out: "I'll leave with you. I'll follow you no matter
where you go." the man looked up and there was his first wife. She was so
skinny, almost like she suffered from malnutrition. Greatly grieved, the
man said, "I should have taken much better care of you while I could have!"

Actually, we all have four wives in our lives.

a. The fourth wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we
lavish in making it look good, it'll leave us when w die.

b. The third wife is our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, they
go to others.

c. the second wife is our family and friends. No matter how close they
had been there for us when we're alive, the furthest they can stay by us is
up to the grave.

d. the first wife is the our soul, neglected in our pursuit of material
wealth and pleasure. It is actually the only thing that follows us wherever
we go.

Okay goodnight.