泪还是要往肚子吞
growing up means your right to cry whenever you want is demolised

“He may still love you. He probably does. He probably doesn’t know what he wants. He probably still thinks about you all the time. But that isn’t what matters. What matters is what he’s doing about it, and what he’s doing about it is nothing. And if he’s doing nothing, you most certainly shouldn’t do anything. You need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want you in their life.”

Maybe

Maybe it is foolish to have thoughts that people will be there for you forever.
Maybe in my dreams,maybe in my memories. Maybe,in a parallel universe.

Maybe you would have,maybe you would have not
Maybe you once did,maybe it's all over
Maybe things wouldn't have change,maybe they would have

Maybe.

Step poet lol

"My advise is,don't. Maybe because he has no one right now. Sorry,I'm a possessive friend and I don't want to see you get hurt." JJ can be cute sometimes and haha so thankful that he is looking out for me!! It's really nice of him. 

I would have done so if it was last year. But his words and his humiliating retreat makes me feel like his ego is so strong and he's immature for his age. I have to have a protective barrier too. I hope when you reach the big 2 this year you can grow up. Maybe just a little. 

In god I trust. In JJ's words I trust. Ok jk 

Actually all my friends look out for me. Hoho and I think I'm not that stupid also. I know how to draw the line and I know if people are being genuine or not. 

TIREDDDDD

Been devoid of all emotions recently and friends asked why I looked so down and tired recently. Guess I was just tired of all the projects piling up and glad that two are down already.Left with one on next Tuesday and another one the following Monday.

If you truly loved her,you wouldn't go for someone new so fast. Probably one of the reasons why I don't really want to. Bleah,I'll see how things go. All I want is for my 2014 to be peaceful and I won't let anyone disrupt it. That includes you.

A Small Consolation / Time

Everything that we once were
is now a sad and lonely verse      

When once I had so much to say
I am now bereft of words

Sometimes it's just the order of things,
that make them seem much worse.

It's not as if you would have stayed
if I hadn't left you first

- Lang Leav         


You were the one
I wanted most
to stay

But time could not
be kept at bay

The more it goes,
the more it's gone
the more it takes away.

-Lang Leav 

I love Lang Leav's poetry. Can't wait to get a copy of her Love and Misfortunes and maybe write a few pieces myself. Wrote a piece called Diminishing words in December but too paiseh to post cause I think it sucks and it probably sucks because my poetry has an awkward stance to it. 

Happy Birthday :)

Last December you said something about expecting a blog post to you on your birthday,I don't know if you still remember or whether you still visit. But I'm going to write one all the same.

So yeah,Happy Birthday! I've hope you enjoyed your birthday today and thank you for coming on Earth and making me learn things about myself no one taught me. Thank you for being you.

生日快乐！

Questions of thought

 I think my blog is better off being wordy and non-commercialized. I feel more me. Actually it has never been commercialized but like a platform to showcase my life but I don't think I need any more platforms to do so. I've hadn't been updating much on Instagram lately either.

My friend got attached recently. I won't say who. But LOL I've always expected me to be the first. It hadn't exactly been a shock to me but it is quite surprising actually.

I asked her a question,how do you know if you like someone? A question schools have never really taught us. Unless you count those stupid life lessons which doesn't really teach us anything. She gave me standard answers,''Your heart will beat very fast.'' , ''you will only have eyes for him in a crowd''. Those very Tumblr answers. But then one thing she said really made sense,the person will make you happy.

To be honest,I have been utterly confused between the need for affection and liking someone.

The question of self worth pops up to me so very often,especially at this age whereby I am transiting into an adult. I'm turning 18 in October and even though I'm still a teenager but I'm turning into an adult really soon. Like say 3 years time? Then again it is a question of how you see time. Some see 3 years really fast while for some it's a slow painful 1095 days.

The thoughts at 13/14 and the thoughts of 17 are very different. I think my thoughts are too mature for my age and actually I'm a little teensy weensy ashamed of it. People my age enjoy the ride and take things at it is,absorbing every immense emotion a relationship brings. For me,the answer is no. I'm definitely looking for something more. I don't plunge into relationships as much as I yearn to because my level of pain tolerant is very low.Besides that,I feel that one has to be independent emotionally and know one's self worth before you are in a relationship. The problems with too many couples,is that they are too dependent on their partners and they need someone to validate them as a person. Shouldn't a relationship be there to enhance your life and like what my friend mentioned,to make you happy? 

LOL wtf this post is like my general selective module on effective communication but there are just some input on how I feel. After a talk with that friend,I somehow understand what I feel better. Bleah at this age I need to handle things with maturity and do things with rationale. Sucks to grow up. On a side note,it will be so cool if they lasts till they get married. I will be the happiest friend on earth and I might even get to tell their kid the embarrassing things the couple do when they were in class back then. hahaha wtf i think too much. Good night LOL. 

Super good conversation with D! Glad I could at least advice a friend who needs help. Makes me feel less like a useless person in life HAHAHAHA! 

Today I was awaken by some crying and screaming from neighbours above. Apparently she have depression and she would do this once in a while. -_- It is agonizing to hear her scream and cry like that and a very bad thought came to me,for god's sake just jump down and shut the fuck up,and of course I don't mean it.

 我很痛苦。我很想死。Words I heard from her that aren't really meant for normal beings I suppose. You know it really set me thinking,what's the point of living if you're so miserable? And maybe it was hard for her. Sometimes the more you tell people,the lonelier you feel.Because you'll realize sometimes no one will gives a shit.She makes me think about my mother. Sometimes she is so angry and unhappy it makes me almost hard to breathe in the same house as her.

Recently I've been doing a report on suicide and sad to say it seems like the easiest way out but I won't ever ever ever do it no matter how tempting it gets because it will pain people and bringing pain to people is the last thing I never wanted to do.

Why do we tie up ourselves and beat ourselves up
Why do we expect things of people despite knowing there will be disappointments
How is it that some people are willing to put in effort for certain individuals but yet see no results
Why can't

ok i was feeling emo just now and I'm feeling better now bye. 

Thoughts of 2014

So I started Z-implicity in 2011 and this will be my 4th year on z-implicity and my 6th year blogging apparently. Been blogging lesser and lesser as I grow older. Bloggers I have been following are all married and some even have kids already! Xiaxue and Audrey for example. Dash and Fighter are super cute! Even Cheesie is pregnant.

I love reading people's blogs because it's really where you can learn more about people and their lives. Even useless knick-knacks about them. Recently on Dayre,found out Qiuqiu's sister went through family abuse before but so glad everything is good for her now. And yeah,discovered a new blogger call Suet Li through Audrey's blog and I pretty like her! So passionate towards teaching. Oh and also a doctor to be on Dayre,she's Malaysian and she's damn friendly I think. Offer to send me tea leaves hahaha.

HAHHA and I'm embarrassed to say this but I thought Malaysians' English aren't as good as Singaporeans but after reading some Malaysian bloggers' blogs,I totally changed my mind about that. Their command of English is really impressed me.

Anyway,I foresee that 2014 will be a pretty boring year for me as compared to 2013. 2013 was so so so happening with all the meet ups and stuff. 2014 will be much for quieter with some of my friends going to army(JinKheng,Kaihin,Junyang and Quanen) ;_; whatsapp will be so much quieter without these people to disturb. And.. Jiawen,Jiaying,PuayLin and JianXing will be taking their A levels this year.

Actually I can't believe I will be turning 18 this year. Although I'm still a teenager but it frightens me so much that I will become an adult sooner or later. Goals in life,financial burdens,passion. I don't even want to think about it. lol forever avoiding things.

Bleah I don't think I will be playing this coming holidays. I would be working and saving towards Bangkok trip. I always wanted to go there. Still hadn't find friends to go with but never mind,in the case that  my plan fail,just buy myself a branded bag as condolence. 

Oh yeah recently also attended a friend's mum funeral. My first time attending a funeral on my own. Make me realize how fragile life is. Well life being fragile has always been a known fact,just that a funeral makes it even more real.

And I'm very confused about some stuff and I don't know how to get the answers because only I will know the answers. I remember telling myself I would chase after it but maybe it is best to have a numb and boring life than hurting people because of selfish desires and unsure feelings. Right now 2014 being peaceful and smooth is maybe what I need.

I realized every start of the year,I am more emotional than I am in other months of the years. Feelings of doubts and uncertainty consumes me so much. It will go away sooner or later hopefully. It's now 12 midnight and I have to go back to school for a makeup lesson tomorrow. Goodnight. 

Address to moi

"Don't yearn for things that aren't supposed to be yours."

Current Obessesion

My apologies to chance for calling it necessity.
My apologies to necessity if I'm mistaken, after all.
Please, don't be angry, happiness, that I take you as my due.
May my dead be patient with the way my memories fade.
My apologies to time for all the world I overlook each second.
My apologies to past loves for thinking that the latest is the first.
Forgive me, distant wars, for bringing flowers home.
Forgive me, open wounds, for pricking my finger.
I apologize for my record of minuets to those who cry from the depths.
I apologize to those who wait in railway stations for being asleep today at five a.m.
Pardon me, hounded hope, for laughing from time to time.
Pardon me, deserts, that I don't rush to you bearing a spoonful of water.
And you, falcon, unchanging year after year, always in the same cage,
your gaze always fixed on the same point in space,
forgive me, even if it turns out you were stuffed.
My apologies to the felled tree for the table's four legs.
My apologies to great questions for small answers.
Truth, please don't pay me much attention.
Dignity, please be magnanimous.
Bear with me, O mystery of existence, as I pluck the occasional thread from your train.
Soul, don't take offense that I've only got you now and then.
My apologies to everything that I can't be everywhere at once.
My apologies to everyone that I can't be each woman and each man.
I know I won't be justified as long as I live,
since I myself stand in my own way.
Don't bear me ill will, speech, that I borrow weighty words,
then labor heavily so that they may seem light.

Wislawa Szymborska

This song was inspired by this poem. 

原来最暗的天空总有最闪烁的星星

happy 2014 to all

Reading my old blog posts,I feel like I have seen myself grow as a person. There are certain things I could have handled better,for example relationships and my attitude towards studies. I was so unhappy back then and even though the environment is less stressful,I felt like I was competing and struggling so badly.2012 was horrendous as I spent way too much time thinking about my future and what could have beens and yeap,I went to the wrong route eventually and I gave up. I was so worn out from everything and I just decided to deal with whatever shit that comes my way.

Given a chance to go back,I would definitely tell myself not to stress over O levels. Yes,it is a national exam. Yes,it ought to be taken seriously but making your mental health go haywire is definitely not worth it. I felt like a zombie going to school and each day I wake up,wanting the day to end. I didn't really study a lot to be truthful and I deserved the points I've gotten I think.

I'm lazy to blog and there's only 6 minutes left so I shall copy and past my FB status here,

We often looked back on past years and hoped for the years to come to be a better one.We said,''Be good to me,201X.'' But most of the times we want to year to pass quickly and lament that current year was a bad one.

I've spent half of 2013 or more than half of 2013 on vacations and it almost felt surreal that 2013 is coming to an end. 2013 taught me so much and I'm genuinely grateful for the new people I've gotten to know this year and thankful that my old friends are still in my life.(You know who you are)

I've made special effort to reconnect with old friends this year because I feel that there has got to be someone taking initiatives to catch up,to reminisce old times and embrace past moments.

'' My new classmates/friends has taught me that warmth can still exist in a group of people and it is possible to share,to be kind to each other as classmates. I never really gotten to experience that in 2012.

I felt so much happier in 2013 than in 2012 which was suffocating.I felt more like myself and I got to do things I wanted although it may seem reckless at times.

Apologize to people if you have to,talk to people if it helps you to sleep better at night. Let go of things that makes you unhappy because you are in charge of your own life. Bear less grudges and forgive those who had hurt you because remember there is such thing call karma. Enjoy the last day of 2013 and may 2014 be better for everyone! Cheers to a new year ahead! ''


Thank you Vetina LiYing Syafiqah Saif for being there to watch me grow up. May our friendship continue till we get dentures and all wrinkly.
Thank you Yunxuan JianXing Puaylin Jiawen Heidi for being the best thing that ever happened to me in secondary school
You guys are very special to me!!

For anyone reading this feeling lost and confused,we will always be lost and confused in life,whether you like it or not but someday things will eventually get better. Because if it's not better,it's the end yet. :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL.

And thank you,for helping me let go of what I ought to long ago